Now I’m angry.

I haven’t really been posting much lately because I have been too busy reading everybody else’s blogs and their stories.

Yesterday I was over at Melanie’s blog called Deliberate Donkey and I read part 1 of a 3 part post by Sofia Leo,  How a smart person can get sucked into abuse.

The part that particularly spoke to me was the part about how her abuser would constantly wake her up. That part turned on a light bulb in my little brain.

As I have mentioned before on here I love,love, love my sleep. I’m the kind of person who needs her 8 hours of blessed slumber each and every night.

The ex did not like that I slept this much. He was always telling me that I slept too much. He said he worried about my health and if I was normal because of the amount of sleep I was doing. When he would wake especially on the weekends, he would pace in and out of the bedroom, he would find reasons to come into the bedroom to get things, or ask me where something was. And sometimes he would just come into the room to ask me repeatedly when I was going to get up. I would just get up and start my day to shut his mouth up.

9 times out of 10 once he got his way and I was up, he would go do something outside for hours by himself. He didn’t want to spend time with me, he just wanted to control me. The other 1% of the time he just wanted me to get up to cook his sorry ass some breakfast.

I started to force myself to stay awake later at night and was exhausted the next day. I began to doubt myself and worried that my past struggles with depression were starting to rear it’s ugly head. I told him I needed to go to the Dr. to see why I was so tired all the time and why I needed so much sleep, He wouldn’t take me, because it would interfere in his life, he could take time off of work to take himself to appointments but  not me.

sleep

I believe the only thing that got me thru this time and gave me enough strength and emotional/mental energy was the naps that I snuck almost each and every afternoon after school. I had 3 hours between when I got home from school and when his narcissistic ass came thru the door to have a nap and cook his dinner. If I hadn’t of had this much needed rest I probably would still be there, having him twisting and turning his evil web of lie’s, manipulation, control and narcissistic ways.

Funny thing now that I’m out and even tho I have been sleeping on a couch and will be for 2 more weeks, I’ve been getting some really, really great sleep. On the wknds, if I feel like I would like to have a rest I can and nobody questions me or bothers me. I also have noticed that in the evenings I am staying up later, in fact I am enjoying being up and often have to make myself go to bed and get my rest.

So thank you, thank you Sofia for that post it made me see once more how that narcissistic asshole was controlling me.

And to all out there in this situation please heed her advice and:

  • Get enough sleep, no matter what. If a partner often robs you of your sleep for what seems like a trivial reason, take a long look at what’s going on – s/he may have a specific motive for making sure you can’t function the next day, week, year.

Now I’m just angry.

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I’m out and now I can’t sleep

It’s 1:52 am and I’m sitting in my children’s father’s living room wide awake. Mostly I think i’m so awake because I fell asleep at 8pm after having so little sleep after the events of the night before. Also, maybe i’m awake because I don’t have to be worried anymore, I’m in a safe place with a very optimistic future.

When I left yesterday, I left a note to the ex, that I would have the movers there next month on the 16th, and to please make sure he was there (I want him there so he can’t accuse me of taking any of his precious crap), I didn’t tell him where I was going, just that I had found a place to stay until my apt is ready.

Shortly, after I left and was with my kids and their dad,,I found myself thinking/warning myself of things not to do, things that the ex was always complaining about for example,,,older daughter got into the car and slammed the door as teens do, inside I cringed,,,don’t slam the door it upsets ex,,,,

Watching tv,,I realized my kids were asking my opinion on what to watch and I realized it was ok to give suggestions, I found myself joking with my girls and later when I was tucked into bed with my older daughter,,I found myself giggling with her over a Family Guy episode (I was never aloud to watch that crap at ex’s) and it felt good to laugh and feel happy again.

I have another job interview tomorrow it’s for a seasonal position at a Hallmark store so that’s good, and I’m now reunited with my kitty:

She doesn't like her picture taken,

She doesn’t like her picture taken, scaredy cat.

Most people that I talked too today, are concerned that he will take his anger and revenge out on what little I have left at his place. I truly think and know that he won’t do anything to it,,,mostly because it would inconvenience him to have to make the effort to get rid of my stuff and also because he knows that I will tell his friends and neighbours and that would make him look like the “bad guy”. Also, I don’t really care if he takes his anger out on it, because it’s just stuff and stuff can be replaced with newer stuff.

True to the Narcissistic character descriptions that I have  read I have not heard one word from him,,,I’m gone, he doesn’t care because life simply revolves around him, he truly believes that everyone is wrong and out to get him. I hope he enjoys living in his little wonderful, perfect world.

I pity the next unsuspecting woman who enters that world.

The crap hit the fan last night,,and now I’m homeless

BUT,,i’m OK with that 🙂

I tried, I really, really tried to keep my mouth shut and not explode to his assholiness,,,,but I just couldn’t do it.

He had been bugging me for days wondering why I wasn’t acting normal,,why I didn’t want to have sex or cuddle anymore and he finally broke me.

So,,,I told him exactly what I thought of him. What I thought of his “rules” and his narcissistic attitude.

I don’t even know why I was so shocked when he denied everything and then he told me that I was the one with the problem and that I have mental problems.

Hey mister the only mental problem I have is being stupid enough to put up with his bullshit for so long.

I was then banished to the spare bedroom and told that he will not drive me to school anymore. That pissed me off,,basically keeping me hostage in the house.

My plan was to call the women’s hotline this morning when he went to work, but I now have another plan.

I’m staying home from school (even tho he pounded on my door this morning and said he WOULD drive me to school because he’s not THAT mean pfffft,,whatever).

I’m staying home packing up my shit, putting it all in the spare bedroom and going to stay with my kids dad until my apartment that I got is ready for Nov 15th.

I will leave him a note that I will have movers there on the morning of the 16th to move the stuff,,,and then he can go to hell for all I care.

Even tho this is a shitty situation for me for the next 4 weeks,,,I’m still seeing the brighter side of things.

  1. I have a new awesome super job,,,which although it’s only part time,,,it’s still a job. I can still look for something else as well.
  2. I have found a nice apartment, and signed the lease. And although it won’t be ready until the 15th, it’s being painted, with new carpet, it’s in a beautiful area and my balcony over looks the lake and is within walking distance to downtown and the bus stop is outside my front door.
  3. I have a meager savings.
  4. I will be with my children.
  5. I have finally broken away from the narcissistic jerk!!!!!

The List

I decided to start a list a few weeks back of all the “rules” and stupid things bf says to make me feel like a child, or to just put me down. I’ve just been adding to it whenever I remember something. And, I decided to post the list today,,,,hang on folks it’s a pretty long list.

  • Don’t slam the car door (bad for the car don’t you know. I’m really surprised that we don’t see more car doors falling off of cars driving down the highway).
  • Toilet seat must be down
  • Make sure the toilet does not run
  • Dish soap must be kept under the sink
  • No crumbs in the counter mice don’t you know 
  • I know nothing about the difference between floss vs toothpicks (even tho I am a Dental Assistant and he actually said this btw.)
  • Or wells
  • Or living in the country
  • Or medical stuff (i’m currently in college for Mediacal Administration and Transcription).
  • Or music
  • Or trivia
  • Or tuning of instruments (even tho I went to the Toronto School of the Arts for violin).
  • Temper tantrums (I never knew that grown men had tempertantrums like his,,ex: mr. “i’m the best omelette maker” failed at making his speciality,,got mad and thru the ruined egg mass AND frying pan outside). Need more examples,,,I got lots just ask.
  • No eating in the car
  • Can’t have a drink in the passenger cup holder of the car(but it’s ok for him to smoke in the car)
  • The other cup holder is clearly to hold his phone and cigarettes and lighter
  • Oh and he can drink his coffee in the car don’t you know ’cause he’s the MAN
  • It’s more important to fix the shed in the backyard. Than it is to fix under the sink where the field mice come come in over the winter when it gets cold. But, when they do come in,,it’s my fault because of toast crumbs.
  • He was too receive a hefty amount of inheritence from when his gma passed away,,he asked if I needed anything,,,and I mentioned that all I would really like is to replace my old winter coat and a pair of winter boots. Not going to happen now,,,since he announced all the money is gone,,,,and in the next breath,,,laughed at how he spent over a grand on his children that won’t even grace us with their presence. I won’t EVEN go into all the shit he bought for himself.

These one’s are just from this morning on the 20 min car ride into town.

  • I’m sooo lucky to have such a nice bf to drive me to the city for school or he could just drop me off at the bus stop like those other poor saps  I was in such shock of this statement,,that I didn’t say anything,,but he made a shocked comment about my facial expression,,(guess it was the are you fucking kidding me look).
  • I made a comment how my buddy Amber from Words Become Superfluous had a posted aJake Gillenhall spotting down in Toronto at TIFF. He was kind enough to enlighten me that is “that guy” from broke back mountain–thanks Asswhole,,,,I never knew that.

There is soooooo much more,,,but I’m just starting school,,,,and i’m getting angry.

The thing that pisses me off is that when you start dating these people they show you that they CAN be nice,caring and generally do give a shit what you think. Then when they’ve got you where they want you they turn into a narcissistic piece of crap.

I can’t wait to get out.

But now my worrying is starting,,,it’s the “what if’s”,,,what if my student loan money doesn’t come thru. What if I don’t find a job right away,,,,and now i’m having bad problems with my hands,,and i’m worrying about that,,,I don’t even have money for prescriptions if I need them and have to lower myself to asking him to pay for them.

My anxiety is waking me up at night,,,guess I will have the dr. for more of these pills now too,,,,,,,