Now I’m angry.

I haven’t really been posting much lately because I have been too busy reading everybody else’s blogs and their stories.

Yesterday I was over at Melanie’s blog called Deliberate Donkey and I read part 1 of a 3 part post by Sofia Leo,  How a smart person can get sucked into abuse.

The part that particularly spoke to me was the part about how her abuser would constantly wake her up. That part turned on a light bulb in my little brain.

As I have mentioned before on here I love,love, love my sleep. I’m the kind of person who needs her 8 hours of blessed slumber each and every night.

The ex did not like that I slept this much. He was always telling me that I slept too much. He said he worried about my health and if I was normal because of the amount of sleep I was doing. When he would wake especially on the weekends, he would pace in and out of the bedroom, he would find reasons to come into the bedroom to get things, or ask me where something was. And sometimes he would just come into the room to ask me repeatedly when I was going to get up. I would just get up and start my day to shut his mouth up.

9 times out of 10 once he got his way and I was up, he would go do something outside for hours by himself. He didn’t want to spend time with me, he just wanted to control me. The other 1% of the time he just wanted me to get up to cook his sorry ass some breakfast.

I started to force myself to stay awake later at night and was exhausted the next day. I began to doubt myself and worried that my past struggles with depression were starting to rear it’s ugly head. I told him I needed to go to the Dr. to see why I was so tired all the time and why I needed so much sleep, He wouldn’t take me, because it would interfere in his life, he could take time off of work to take himself to appointments but  not me.

sleep

I believe the only thing that got me thru this time and gave me enough strength and emotional/mental energy was the naps that I snuck almost each and every afternoon after school. I had 3 hours between when I got home from school and when his narcissistic ass came thru the door to have a nap and cook his dinner. If I hadn’t of had this much needed rest I probably would still be there, having him twisting and turning his evil web of lie’s, manipulation, control and narcissistic ways.

Funny thing now that I’m out and even tho I have been sleeping on a couch and will be for 2 more weeks, I’ve been getting some really, really great sleep. On the wknds, if I feel like I would like to have a rest I can and nobody questions me or bothers me. I also have noticed that in the evenings I am staying up later, in fact I am enjoying being up and often have to make myself go to bed and get my rest.

So thank you, thank you Sofia for that post it made me see once more how that narcissistic asshole was controlling me.

And to all out there in this situation please heed her advice and:

  • Get enough sleep, no matter what. If a partner often robs you of your sleep for what seems like a trivial reason, take a long look at what’s going on – s/he may have a specific motive for making sure you can’t function the next day, week, year.

Now I’m just angry.

Dear Diary:

Dear Diary:

Well, it’s been a week and 2 days since I left the narcissistic asshole.

And even tho I’m pretty sure that this couch I’m sleeping on every night has fleas, I’m thankful for it. It’s in a warm place without narcissistic manipulation and  I’m still glad I left. Over this last week I have learned how to take the new bus service from where I’m staying to the “bigger” city to school every day and it’s actually not at all that bad, hey I even get to sleep in an hour and a half later every morning!

I have been spending quality time with my 2 girls. Today was little C’s bday she turned 15, we went to the mall and I bought her some Anime season she wanted, we then went to dinner at Kelsey’s and enjoyed watching sports and even playing some:

Nothing like coaster hockey!

Nothing like coaster hockey!

Don't listen to what anyone says,,I kicked ass at this game.
Don’t listen to what anyone says,,I kicked ass at this game.

Later in the evening we went to little C’s hockey game and her team won 4-1! Yaaayyy.

I’m not going to lie Diary, I had a few relapse moments this week when I missed, and even contemplated going back to the asshat, but that was quickly squashed when I had to ask him to drop off my winter coat because winter dropped unexpectedly early on us this year. He quickly started his ways of manipulating and turning everything around  on me and making me feel that I’m the crazy one.

I’m not going back. I’m not even going to speak to him or have contact with him until the day of my move. That will be the EXACT last day that I will ever, ever speak or lay eyes on him again. I won’t tell him that, I won’t fall into his trap, and I won’t get down to his level EVER again. I will simply disappear, it will be like I never existed in his life. He probably won’t even notice.

  • Unfortunately, because I am a normal, rational, mentally stable, good person it will take me a good long time to forget these past 9 months. It will take me time to heal and to trust another person and in fact  men again, for a very, very long time.

I’m scared.

But not for the old reasons, these are new scary feelings. I’m scared and excited for the next part of my life. I’m excited for it, but scared. I have lots of anxiety over it, I’m worried about so many things, what if the money runs out before I find a second job, what if I don’t have money for food, I’m worried about Christmas, how will I give my girls a nice good Christmas if I don’t get a second job right away.

I’m also worried that I’m having these anxietys and it’s only the end of Oct. We haven’t even had Halloween for heaven’s sake. I’m worried about spiraling back into the black hole of depression again.

  • But,I have also noticed some good things.

I have noticed that I am not eating as much food and food crap and drinking much more water. I’m going to venture onto the weight scale tomorrow and hopefully confirm a weight loss.

I’m not drinking alcohol even 1/4 as much as I was with the ex. I totally now think that the ex is a alcoholic.

I’m walking more to the bus stops, from bus stops, to work from school etc. The exercised feels great, I forgot how much a good walk is.

I find myself not sleeping as much,,,mostly because the kids cats decide that 1am is a acceptable time to run around the house and play and meow for food. And the dog thinks around 3 am is a acceptable  time to go out for a pee and, then once back in she decides it’s time to do god knows what to her genital area, but it sure sounds like lick smacking goodness for her.

It’s also good that I have recognized that I am having these feelings and it may be time for me to make a trip to the doc and get a prescription for some anxiety meds. I know it’s ok to ask for help for this to get me thru this time.

I have to stay on this itchy, couch for 3 more weeks diary, they are going to be long itchy, scabie ones but that’s ok,,,I will buy some calamine lotion and Benadryl and get thru this, I have gotten this far and I am stronger for it, it can only get better.

Till next time Dear Diary,,,

love: your friend me.

 

 

Narcissism advice please.

I’m trying really, really REALLY hard to not get into a fight with “the man” and lately he is really trying to pick them.

Over this weekend I have been accused of planning to eat all the food in the cupboards and refrigerator and leave him high and dry. Jokingly, told that I will have to teach him how to use the washing machine, since i’m leaving him.

He has made loud sighs and puffs of exasperation,,,around dishes in the sink, bathroom not being cleaned,  dust on furniture and dust bunny’s collecting. To my defense I have been battling against a cold and not feeling that great, but honestly with being treated like shit, I simply want to do dick for him. I’m constantly reminded that it’s his house,,ok,,I get it so you clean it. In the last 6 months I have lived there this man has not cleaned a dish. (i’m not a dirty person btw, I did clean the house yesterday just because I can’t live in filth and to stop his incessant huffing and puffing).

Last night he repeatedly made comments about how I am leaving him,,while I stroke his ego and say “oh no dear your totally wrong I would never leave you”. When in reality it’s totally what I am going to do.

I’m no longer supposed to use the internet because I use to much and run up his bill. Which is true because everyday when I get home I’m busting my ass looking for a apartment and trying to find a job.

This morning I fell into his trap.

As I was enjoying my first cup of tea for the day,,he came out of the washroom and this is what he said.

Him:”Now hon,,,,you believe what’s fair is fair right”?

Me: I wanted to say yes,,but instead being half asleep what I was really thinking came out “What did I do wrong” is what came out.

Him: Don’t even try to turn this around on me,,,I simply wanted to say that when I shave I am nice enough to make sure I clean up after myself and make sure I clean up my whiskers. And you constantly leave your hair everywhere.

Me:(In my head Sccrrreeeaattccchhhh!!! WHAT THE FUCK). What I said was,,,,”Fine I’m going to cut my hair short again,,I only was growing it longer because you said you like longer hair, I knew this would be a problem, so I’m going to go back to short hair”.

Him: “Don’t turn this around on me,,,I fucking hate this shit I don’t need this”

And he stomped out of the house.

This is what he does all the time,,try’s to turn everything around on me. I need advice on how to head him off and to word my responses,,,I’ve tried the not answering and the to simply not answer but this is starting to not work anymore.

I never returned the call to the Women’s Shelter last week,,,but I’m definately calling them today for advice,,,I have no money or transportation to go there hopefully they can help me over the phone.

Sigh,,,,I need to stop writing and go clean up my tears before class starts,,,,thanks for listening guys your my only solace right now,,I’m sorry i’m such a downer lately.