Guess what??

I’M MOVING!!!

To Here:

BANCROFT, ON, CANADA

BANCROFT, ONTARIO

Here is the town’s official website, in case you’d like to take a peek!

It’s a quaint little town of around 4,000 people with around 40,000 people in the surrounding area. So, basically I am moving from a City of 150,000 to 4,000. Crazy right??

You might be saying to yourself,,,what the hell is this chick doing moving to God’s country for?

Well let me explain to you why. There is many reason’s.

The day that I lost my job, I arrived home to a nice letter on my apartment door notifying me that my rent was being increased. Lovely.

My daughter then went thru a major depressive and anxiety state, that ended up with her being hospitalized (she’s home now and doing well).

When I turned to who I “thought” were my best friend(s) for support, I learned they weren’t who I thought they were and found myself all alone and wishing I was closer to my family. One morning I found myself venting this wish out loud on the couch and my daughter heard me and said. “Why don’t we do it then, let’s look into it?

I spoke to my parent’s who surprised me by being really supportive and welcoming. So, I pulled up my big girl panties and knowing that it’s hard to find a job up North, I took a day and emailed my resume to every business in town. Surprisingly, I received responses quickly right away. I took a few days vacation and went up for some interviews.

I accepted a job at one of the larger grocery’s stores in town as a Inventory Control Manager on the condition that my start date would not begin until I was released from my Target job so that I could get my measly payout. They worked with me and I start on May 11th. It’s only part-time but I know if I work hard, I will get more hours. I took this particular job because it is unionized and working up there where winter lay offs happen every year I would be ensured not to be laid off and I will eventually get benefits again.

Finding a place to live was more difficult then I anticipated  because I don’t have a vehicle I needed to find something in town so I can walk too and from work. I put my faith in my parent’s hands and they went to see a apt in smaller building and based on their opinion I took a leap and took the place. I’m moving into a place I have never seen EEEK!!!

This is a winter pic of the place. Our new home over looks the the York river and it's actually on the same road in the above pic. Simply beautiful country.

This is a winter pic of the place. Our new home over looks the the York river and it’s actually on the same road in the above pic. Simply beautiful country.

We don’t get the new place until May 30th.

I start my new job on May 11th so that means I will be staying with my parent’s and my daughter will stay down in a virtually all packed up place to take care of our kitties for almost 3 weeks.

With my parent’s getting older I will be closer to them if they need me. My daughter’s Dr’s believe a much smaller community and being closer to her grandparent’s would be better for her and with rent being quite a bit cheaper. I believe I have made a good decision. I hope!

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Injustice and abuse. *Warning this could trigger some*

This  is a story about a little girl. A girl that should have always known her parent’s love from the day of conception and birth. Instead she was brought into this world knowing only neglect, resentment and abuse.

The girls father speaks about the neglect of the little girl by her mother. He remembers days when he would leave for work making sure the the little girl had a clean diaper, clean clothes on and have having a full bottle of milk in her belly before he put her back to her crib.

He comes home from work 10 hours later to find the little girl still in the crib, in the same diaper that is now full and leaking, and to empty bottles all around the girl.

Was the mother suffering from post postpartum depression? Why wasn’t something done?

The young parent’s fight. The mother blames the little girl. If she hadn’t been born, the mother would have her freedom.

The mother leaves the little girl with “friends” while the father is working, so she can get out.

One of the “friends” sexually molests the little girl who is now 2. The “friend” feels guilty and tells on himself, he turns his self into the police. He is given a small sentence and community service.

The mother blames the little girl.

The mother cheats on the little girls father and get’s pregnant.  The “other man”, finds out, and moves away. The mother who is desperately in “love” with the other man leaves the little girls father, taking the little girl to follow the “other” man who now tells the mother he wants nothing to do with her, the little girl or the baby on the way.

The mother blames the little girl, she hits her and calls her names. She tells her that she deserves nothing, no new clothes, no sweets, and no toys.

The mother moves to different states and the father can’t find his little girl. When the mother does call the father, she yells at the father and blames him for everything. She yells at him that he is a deadbeat and never sends money. The father can’t send money if she doesn’t tell where she is. This makes the mother more angry and she hangs up. It’s a cycle now.

The father moves on with his life and meets a new lady, they fall in love and get married. The little girls mother finds out and gets angry. She moves to Las Vegas to find the “other man”, she had now had her second baby it’s a little girl. The mother loves the second baby girl and showers her with love and attention. She hates the first little girl.

The father finds out that the little girl is living in Las Vegas a block from the strip. The police contact the father after the little girls school contact them with concerns about the little girl. The father gets on the first plane and goes to Las Vegas and shows up unannounced at the mother’s apartment. There is no furniture, and no food.

He spends a few days with his daughter, he stocks up the cupboards and the fridge with food. He buys his daughter clothes and toys. He gives the mother his address, his work information so that he can start paying his child support. The mother agrees to keep in touch and to visitations and holidays.

The father leaves to go back to his wife in another state. He leaves feeling good, he is happy that he will now regualarly see his daughter and contribute to her well being.

The mother leaves the next week. She leaves everything behind, all the food spoils, she leaves the little girls clothes and toys her father has bought her. She tells no one where she has gone too. The father only knows because the school contacts him that his child has not been attending.

The father is worried, he can’t find his daughter.

The mother calls 6 weeks later. She is in Illinois. Homeless, and living in a car with her 2 children. She demands the father come and get the child NOW.  Work won’t let the father leave for 5 days. He makes arrangements for his sister to drive from Missiouri in 2 days to get his child and keep her until the father and step mother can get there. The mother is angry, she wants rid of the child asap. The father calls the local authorities in illinois and asks for help thinking it may be best for her to be in care until he can get there. The authorities, tell him there is nothing against the law for the mother to live in the car with the children and nothing they can do.

The father’s sister gets to the child, 2 days later. And calls to tell the father that the child is severely sun burnt, dirty and full of lice but she has her and she is safe.

The father and stepmother arrive and get the child they bring her home.

The child exhibits “strange” behaviour. She is mean towards other children and breaks things constantly, she shows no remorse.

That’s ok, they will show her love, it will take time.

One morning the step mother observes the little girl performing sexual acts on the family cat, she calls her husband right away and they inform the authorities. Sadly, it is found out that the mother and the the mother’s boyfriend have been sexually abusing the little girl.

In therapy, it is learned that it’s not just sexual abuse, but extreme mental and physical abuse.

The father and step mother go to court. They get full emergency custody, until the mother can come to court.

They don’t expect the mother to show up in court. But she does AND she brings the “boyfriend” as well. She tells the judge that it is all the father’s fault and the little girls fault. She deserved it, the mother tells the court that she sold all of the child’s stuff because why should the father have it?

The mother announces in court that she has now married the boyfriend, even though she  knows that there is charges against him for child sexual abuse. She also announces that she is now pregnant with her 3rd child and they a gloriously happy.

The court terminates her parental rights. She leaves the state vowing to make the father and stepmother pay.

The court advises the father to pursue charges against the boyfriend in the state that the mother and boyfriend live in.

The boyfriend gets away with it all, because he refuses to take a lie detector test. Also because the little girl has a full blown nervous breakdown and ends up spending the next 2 years in and out of mental health facilities.

The strain of the child and her mental health problems is a big strain on the father’s and new wife’s marriage. The father goes into a deep depression. He works all night, and sleeps all day until a half hour before work starts. Leaving the step mother to deal with his child. He goes to the family therapy counselling, says what the therapist wants to hear and as soon as he leaves the office goes back to sleep. It all goes in one ear and out the other.

The step mother is stressed, she is lonely, sad and angry. She fears for the little girl and her future, she begs her husband to tune in and be a part of the little girls life, she needs her dad. The father gets angry and hits the step mother.

That’s enough.

She’s had enough.

It’s done.

She goes to work, tells her boss what has happened.

She waits until Friday.

She waits until he leaves for work.

She packs all she can in the car.

She goes to work and gets her last pay. Her boss has paid her in cash.

She gets in the car.

She drives over the border and back to her home country.

She starts her life over.

**I haven’t spoken about my past here yet. This is a post about my step daughter. I felt that it should be told, one because it is a kind of therapy for myself to finally write it out. But also, to show how the system also failed a little child. The boyfriend and mother got away with it all because the child had a mental breakdown and her statements would not hold up in court we were told.

Settled in.

We did it!

We are all moved in.

It was stressful picking up my stuff at the ex’s. I showed up at his place at 8am, with boxes and packed all my stuff that was left. Every question he asked me I answered with a yes or no, once the boxes were packed Big C and I took them out to the driveway and then we waited in the car until the mover’s showed up, once they had everything in the truck I simply walked back to the car shut the door and didn’t look back. I said no good bye, no see ya around, or even a fuck you asshole. He simply wasn’t worth it.

Anyways, we were all done moving everything and the couch was delivered by noon! Big C and I went out for lunch to celebrate our freedom and did some shopping at Wallyworld.

We were exhausted by the time we got home and just wanted to crash but we had promised a friend of mine to meet up to go see the Santa Claus parade and the Annual Christmas Tree Lighting. I’m glad that we dragged our butts downtown because we had so much fun.

Here’s a little clip of one of the floats (look TD, the cowboy has one of those light saber thingy’s!)

Last night we put up our Christmas tree. I don’t have a pic yet of the finished result because we ran out of garland, I have to get some more tomorrow to finish it up but here’s a few fun pics!

Tired kitty, with some ornaments. (She made the move brilliantly)!

Tired kitty, with some ornaments. (She made the move brilliantly)!

 

 

 

This is my Christmas Terrorist,,,,silly Big C!

This is my Christmas Terrorist,,,,silly Big C!

Today, I start my new job at Wendy’s look out world here I come!

Moving Day!

It’s finally here. It’s moving day yeehaw!

It’s 5:30 in the morning, and i’m having my tea, surfing the web.

I’m so happy that the day is finally here, my stomach is a nervous mess because I have to come face to face with the ex. Thankfully, my daughter is coming with me a hour before the movers get there so I can pack the bags of stuff I have into boxes for it to be easier for the movers. I know that once my stuff is finally in the truck and we are pulling out of the driveway a big weight will be lifted off my shoulders and the next chapter of my life will truly have started.

Needless to say I will be off the grid until tomorrow when hopefully Bell will be true to there word and grace us with their presence between 8-10 am on a Sunday morning for cable and super fast internet.

It’s already been a hard weekend as yesterday afternoon we unexpectadly had to put the girls dog “Jellybean” to sleep. The poor thing got sick late last week, we thought it was a virus but learned yesterday that she had floating masses of cancer in her stomach and was bleeding internally. It was so hard to see my girls witness the first loss of a loved one, they are grieving in grace and I am so proud of them. RIP Jellybean you were a wonderful dog and the bestest friend my girls could ever ask for.

jelly

 

Good News Sunday :)

Don’t have much this weeks folks,,,just that I just have 6 more sleeps till I move!!!!

So because not much happened this week, I thought I would post a video of my kitteh that always sleeps with her forehead pressed against something. Last night it was me she had to have her forehead on, she was soooo dead asleep I kept shaking and shaking her and she wouldn’t get up.

 

So precious!!!

Dear Diary:

Dear Diary:

Well, it’s been a week and 2 days since I left the narcissistic asshole.

And even tho I’m pretty sure that this couch I’m sleeping on every night has fleas, I’m thankful for it. It’s in a warm place without narcissistic manipulation and  I’m still glad I left. Over this last week I have learned how to take the new bus service from where I’m staying to the “bigger” city to school every day and it’s actually not at all that bad, hey I even get to sleep in an hour and a half later every morning!

I have been spending quality time with my 2 girls. Today was little C’s bday she turned 15, we went to the mall and I bought her some Anime season she wanted, we then went to dinner at Kelsey’s and enjoyed watching sports and even playing some:

Nothing like coaster hockey!

Nothing like coaster hockey!

Don't listen to what anyone says,,I kicked ass at this game.
Don’t listen to what anyone says,,I kicked ass at this game.

Later in the evening we went to little C’s hockey game and her team won 4-1! Yaaayyy.

I’m not going to lie Diary, I had a few relapse moments this week when I missed, and even contemplated going back to the asshat, but that was quickly squashed when I had to ask him to drop off my winter coat because winter dropped unexpectedly early on us this year. He quickly started his ways of manipulating and turning everything around  on me and making me feel that I’m the crazy one.

I’m not going back. I’m not even going to speak to him or have contact with him until the day of my move. That will be the EXACT last day that I will ever, ever speak or lay eyes on him again. I won’t tell him that, I won’t fall into his trap, and I won’t get down to his level EVER again. I will simply disappear, it will be like I never existed in his life. He probably won’t even notice.

  • Unfortunately, because I am a normal, rational, mentally stable, good person it will take me a good long time to forget these past 9 months. It will take me time to heal and to trust another person and in fact  men again, for a very, very long time.

I’m scared.

But not for the old reasons, these are new scary feelings. I’m scared and excited for the next part of my life. I’m excited for it, but scared. I have lots of anxiety over it, I’m worried about so many things, what if the money runs out before I find a second job, what if I don’t have money for food, I’m worried about Christmas, how will I give my girls a nice good Christmas if I don’t get a second job right away.

I’m also worried that I’m having these anxietys and it’s only the end of Oct. We haven’t even had Halloween for heaven’s sake. I’m worried about spiraling back into the black hole of depression again.

  • But,I have also noticed some good things.

I have noticed that I am not eating as much food and food crap and drinking much more water. I’m going to venture onto the weight scale tomorrow and hopefully confirm a weight loss.

I’m not drinking alcohol even 1/4 as much as I was with the ex. I totally now think that the ex is a alcoholic.

I’m walking more to the bus stops, from bus stops, to work from school etc. The exercised feels great, I forgot how much a good walk is.

I find myself not sleeping as much,,,mostly because the kids cats decide that 1am is a acceptable time to run around the house and play and meow for food. And the dog thinks around 3 am is a acceptable  time to go out for a pee and, then once back in she decides it’s time to do god knows what to her genital area, but it sure sounds like lick smacking goodness for her.

It’s also good that I have recognized that I am having these feelings and it may be time for me to make a trip to the doc and get a prescription for some anxiety meds. I know it’s ok to ask for help for this to get me thru this time.

I have to stay on this itchy, couch for 3 more weeks diary, they are going to be long itchy, scabie ones but that’s ok,,,I will buy some calamine lotion and Benadryl and get thru this, I have gotten this far and I am stronger for it, it can only get better.

Till next time Dear Diary,,,

love: your friend me.

 

 

The crap hit the fan last night,,and now I’m homeless

BUT,,i’m OK with that 🙂

I tried, I really, really tried to keep my mouth shut and not explode to his assholiness,,,,but I just couldn’t do it.

He had been bugging me for days wondering why I wasn’t acting normal,,why I didn’t want to have sex or cuddle anymore and he finally broke me.

So,,,I told him exactly what I thought of him. What I thought of his “rules” and his narcissistic attitude.

I don’t even know why I was so shocked when he denied everything and then he told me that I was the one with the problem and that I have mental problems.

Hey mister the only mental problem I have is being stupid enough to put up with his bullshit for so long.

I was then banished to the spare bedroom and told that he will not drive me to school anymore. That pissed me off,,basically keeping me hostage in the house.

My plan was to call the women’s hotline this morning when he went to work, but I now have another plan.

I’m staying home from school (even tho he pounded on my door this morning and said he WOULD drive me to school because he’s not THAT mean pfffft,,whatever).

I’m staying home packing up my shit, putting it all in the spare bedroom and going to stay with my kids dad until my apartment that I got is ready for Nov 15th.

I will leave him a note that I will have movers there on the morning of the 16th to move the stuff,,,and then he can go to hell for all I care.

Even tho this is a shitty situation for me for the next 4 weeks,,,I’m still seeing the brighter side of things.

  1. I have a new awesome super job,,,which although it’s only part time,,,it’s still a job. I can still look for something else as well.
  2. I have found a nice apartment, and signed the lease. And although it won’t be ready until the 15th, it’s being painted, with new carpet, it’s in a beautiful area and my balcony over looks the lake and is within walking distance to downtown and the bus stop is outside my front door.
  3. I have a meager savings.
  4. I will be with my children.
  5. I have finally broken away from the narcissistic jerk!!!!!

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