Adult mother daughter love.

Being a mother to a adult daughter now (Big C turned 20 this month), is truly kind of a cool thing.

We watch the same type of shows most timesby this I mean, I endure Breaking Bad and Sons of Anarchy marathons and Big C endures my trashy Maury/Steve shows, Canada Master Chef and Sunday Coronation Street Marathons.

We wander down to the pub and have a few drinks at least once a week too watch the Hockey game and I get to humiliate her by injecting myself into other people’s conversations with my witty fun wheeling words of inspiration 😉

Being mother and daughter we can have really good fun times, and horrible mean hurtful times, when words are said that cut to the core. There are tears, yelling, hugs and words of encouragement. We are there for each other thru the hard times and for the not so hard times.

We can be silly at home where no one in the real world can see us. Who doesn’t like to play rub your finger in your belly button and put your finger under your mom or daughter’s nose and play “what’s that smell”? Best game in awhile has been the “VAGINA” slap game,,,good times.  I mean really sounds like grand fun right, all moms and daughter’s play these don’t they???

We try each other’s attempts at new recipes and can truthfully let each other no when it’s a complete FAIL!  then throw that shit away and order a pizza or if it’s a financially lean time make a big plate of peanut butter and crackers and a big ‘ol mug of hot chocolate.

One thing I share with my daughter and it’s something I never wanted to share is my anxiety and depression. Sadly my friends this is something we do share. Recently, she went thru a real bad spell, it’s send her back. She had to leave her 1st real job she was so proud of having and the financial independance she had found that comes with it. 

I’m proud to say that now she is on the road to recovery. She has been going constantly to counselling,and is starting to deal with the realities of things in her life she has been avoiding or didn’t see. She is also  now on the meds she had been avoiding giving a chance. Although it has taking some time making adjustments to them,I am now happy and proud to say she is now is back to my sunny happy girl.

I know that my number one job is to be her mother, to set rules, boundaries and guidelines. But damn it sure is nice to have her as a best friend too!


I love you Big C,,,and always will (even tho you eat waaaay to much salsa & chips and never wash the pots).

Love Mom xo

Moving Day!

It’s finally here. It’s moving day yeehaw!

It’s 5:30 in the morning, and i’m having my tea, surfing the web.

I’m so happy that the day is finally here, my stomach is a nervous mess because I have to come face to face with the ex. Thankfully, my daughter is coming with me a hour before the movers get there so I can pack the bags of stuff I have into boxes for it to be easier for the movers. I know that once my stuff is finally in the truck and we are pulling out of the driveway a big weight will be lifted off my shoulders and the next chapter of my life will truly have started.

Needless to say I will be off the grid until tomorrow when hopefully Bell will be true to there word and grace us with their presence between 8-10 am on a Sunday morning for cable and super fast internet.

It’s already been a hard weekend as yesterday afternoon we unexpectadly had to put the girls dog “Jellybean” to sleep. The poor thing got sick late last week, we thought it was a virus but learned yesterday that she had floating masses of cancer in her stomach and was bleeding internally. It was so hard to see my girls witness the first loss of a loved one, they are grieving in grace and I am so proud of them. RIP Jellybean you were a wonderful dog and the bestest friend my girls could ever ask for.



Dissection of a NARC’s online dating profile



I am Seeking Woman Victim
For Long term As long as I can victiize you
Needs Test Not Completed Chemistry View his chemistry results
Do you drink? Socially Functioning Alcoholic Do you want children? No
Marital Status Divorced Do you do drugs? NoAlcohol is my drug of choice
Pets No Pets Eye Color Brown
Do you have a car? Yes and don’t ever close the doors the wrong way
Do you have children? Yes But my son is my favorite, my other 2 daughters and grandchildren mean nothing to me.
Longest Relationship Over 10 years Shocking right? I found some poor sucker that stayed so long.

Music Movies Summer
Boating Hockey Nascar
Bon fires Hot summer nights Walks in the bush in the summer
Anything we can do outside in the summer
About Me Rule #1 it’s always all about ME.
I am a kind and good hearted guy, I do not like playing head games. Haha,,another joke,,,I only play head games.
I live alone in my house in the country, Don’t worry that every SINGLE upgrade to this old house has been funded by the last 2 woman in my life,,,you will definately get the chance to contribute.
The summer is my favorite time of year, sitting around the bonfire with friends(nevermind that I don’t have any) listening to music, classic rock mostly, and having couple(aka copius amounts until I am staggering,and start singing at the top of my lungs like a moron to these stupid old songs,,,oh and you are required to tell me how super awesome I am) of drinks on a warm night.
I love to cook, BBQ’s are the best, I BBQ all year round. Nevermind, that I only cook the same thing all the time,,and you are to NOT add any spice at all to mine OR your meal,,,because I am the man and if that’s how I like then you must like it that way too.
Yes I am 51 but people meeting me for the first time think I’m 40 ( have all my hair (and and no grey). Your only as old as you feel. I do however smoke like a chimney and my teeth are all yellow and I smell like shit. I will repeatedly bitch to you behind closed doors how old I feel, you must stroke my ego and in public rave about how lucky you are to have a older man that doesn’t look his age and he wears you out in the bedroom **wink, wink,,,because afterall, I expect sex EVERY single day,,and for you to perform on me whenever I so choose.
Laughter IS the best medicine. I guess that’s why I am in good health……Even tho I had many warning strokes this past summer, and was told to stop smoking ASAP,,,those silly stupid Dr.’s are all wrong.Instead,,my prescription is to increase my smoking. They also are totally wrong saying that I need a sleep apnea machine,,I don’t deserve to have my license suspended because they feel so strongly about it. They are all wrong.
My son plays guitar and is in a band that plays classic rock. He brings a guitar out when we have bonfires and plays and sings. He is my most favorite child,,,and doesn’t care that I make him do this.
I enjoy going out to pub type bars with local bands playing and love to dance.It doesn’t matter that this was 20years ago. I will promise to take you out to dinner all the time,,,but I just say that,,I never really will.
I work full time at a job I really enjoy.They couldn’t run the company without me. They better hope I never quit,,because the whole million dollar company would surely fall apart without me.
I’m into photography and have a good imagination for taking really cool shots. My best shots are of dragon flys having sex and old fashion water pumps. I will print them out and hang them all over my home and yours! You will brag about how awesome I am at all times.
I am looking for that special gal to spend quality time with and possibly a long term relationship with. Until of course your either broke, now longer serve my needs or question my absolute awesomeness. 
Could this be you? Could you be my next victim?
Talk soon. I mean, you will listen, obey and worship me soon.

Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any shittier…….

I got a phone call at school today from my employer or rather my ex-employer,,,informing me that they were letting me go.

They would not give me not one reason as to why.

I told them that I appreciated if they didn’t feel that I made a good fit for their office, but I deserved to know what if anything I did was wrong so I could work on it for any future employers. Again, I was given no reason and just told that my termination papers and owing pay would be mailed to me.

I spoke to the legal people at school and they told me because it was within my 3 month probation time with that office they legally don’t have to give me a reason. They also did point out to me how very unprofessional this was handled by this employer and they put them on a list of do not call to promote to future students or to approach for practicum placements.

At the end of my meeting with the legal/job placement lady,,she said “Basically Fuck them, and fuck their job”,,that made me laugh because this woman is the most professional, and polite person I have met in a long time.

So, now I’m back to square one.    😦

Now I’m angry.

I haven’t really been posting much lately because I have been too busy reading everybody else’s blogs and their stories.

Yesterday I was over at Melanie’s blog called Deliberate Donkey and I read part 1 of a 3 part post by Sofia Leo,  How a smart person can get sucked into abuse.

The part that particularly spoke to me was the part about how her abuser would constantly wake her up. That part turned on a light bulb in my little brain.

As I have mentioned before on here I love,love, love my sleep. I’m the kind of person who needs her 8 hours of blessed slumber each and every night.

The ex did not like that I slept this much. He was always telling me that I slept too much. He said he worried about my health and if I was normal because of the amount of sleep I was doing. When he would wake especially on the weekends, he would pace in and out of the bedroom, he would find reasons to come into the bedroom to get things, or ask me where something was. And sometimes he would just come into the room to ask me repeatedly when I was going to get up. I would just get up and start my day to shut his mouth up.

9 times out of 10 once he got his way and I was up, he would go do something outside for hours by himself. He didn’t want to spend time with me, he just wanted to control me. The other 1% of the time he just wanted me to get up to cook his sorry ass some breakfast.

I started to force myself to stay awake later at night and was exhausted the next day. I began to doubt myself and worried that my past struggles with depression were starting to rear it’s ugly head. I told him I needed to go to the Dr. to see why I was so tired all the time and why I needed so much sleep, He wouldn’t take me, because it would interfere in his life, he could take time off of work to take himself to appointments but  not me.


I believe the only thing that got me thru this time and gave me enough strength and emotional/mental energy was the naps that I snuck almost each and every afternoon after school. I had 3 hours between when I got home from school and when his narcissistic ass came thru the door to have a nap and cook his dinner. If I hadn’t of had this much needed rest I probably would still be there, having him twisting and turning his evil web of lie’s, manipulation, control and narcissistic ways.

Funny thing now that I’m out and even tho I have been sleeping on a couch and will be for 2 more weeks, I’ve been getting some really, really great sleep. On the wknds, if I feel like I would like to have a rest I can and nobody questions me or bothers me. I also have noticed that in the evenings I am staying up later, in fact I am enjoying being up and often have to make myself go to bed and get my rest.

So thank you, thank you Sofia for that post it made me see once more how that narcissistic asshole was controlling me.

And to all out there in this situation please heed her advice and:

  • Get enough sleep, no matter what. If a partner often robs you of your sleep for what seems like a trivial reason, take a long look at what’s going on – s/he may have a specific motive for making sure you can’t function the next day, week, year.

Now I’m just angry.

I hate this feeling

I can feel the depression,,,,it’s rearing it’s ugly head again.

I hate this feeling, I hate having to battle against it.

I hate having to struggle to get myself up and force myself to start my day.

I hate having to put on a happy face and act like everything is ok.

I hate the feeling of not feeling secure enough to actually answer when someone asks me how I’m feeling, with “you know what I’m feeling really sad and down today and I have no actual reason as to why”?

Because,,,people will judge me and think i’m crazy.

Especially at school around my peers,,after all, I can’t let them see this side of me,,,because I may have to actually work with one or maybe more of them in the future. And,,,who will hire someone with a mental illness,,,right???

We are scary, crazy, nuts, unreliable and not worth the trouble.

And that makes me even more sad.

Have a good day all,,,,I’m off to go put my happy face on and just try to make it thru my public part of the day until I can go home and cry.