Adult mother daughter love.

Being a mother to a adult daughter now (Big C turned 20 this month), is truly kind of a cool thing.

We watch the same type of shows most timesby this I mean, I endure Breaking Bad and Sons of Anarchy marathons and Big C endures my trashy Maury/Steve shows, Canada Master Chef and Sunday Coronation Street Marathons.

We wander down to the pub and have a few drinks at least once a week too watch the Hockey game and I get to humiliate her by injecting myself into other people’s conversations with my witty fun wheeling words of inspiration ūüėČ

Being mother and daughter we can have really good fun times, and horrible mean hurtful times, when words are said that cut to the core. There are tears, yelling, hugs and words of encouragement. We are there for each other thru the hard times and for the not so hard times.

We can be silly at home where no one in the real world can see us. Who doesn’t like to play rub your finger in your belly button and put your finger under your mom or daughter’s nose and play “what’s that smell”? Best game in awhile has been the “VAGINA” slap game,,,good times. ¬†I mean really sounds like grand fun right, all moms and daughter’s play these don’t they???

We try each other’s attempts at new recipes and can truthfully let each other no when it’s a complete¬†FAIL!¬†¬†then throw that shit away and order a pizza or if it’s a financially lean time make a big plate of peanut butter and crackers and a big ‘ol mug of hot chocolate.

One thing I share with my daughter and it’s something I never wanted to share is my anxiety and depression. Sadly my friends this is something we do share. Recently, she went thru a real bad spell, it’s send her back. She had to leave her 1st real job she was so proud of having and the financial independance she had found that comes with it.¬†

I’m proud to say that now she is on the road to recovery. She has been going constantly to counselling,and is starting to deal with the realities of things in her life she has been avoiding or didn’t see. She is also ¬†now on the meds she had been avoiding giving a chance. Although it has taking some time making adjustments to them,I am now happy and proud to say she is now is back to my sunny happy girl.

I know that my number one job is to be her mother, to set rules, boundaries and guidelines. But damn it sure is nice to have her as a best friend too!

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I love you Big C,,,and always will (even tho you eat waaaay to much salsa & chips and never wash the pots).

Love Mom xo

LET’S TALK!

LET’S TALK

All across Canada we have been seeing commercials with just this logo since right after Christmas.

I’m pretty proud of this campaign and I’m pretty proud of the company promoting it’s label.

Why you ask?

1. Because it’s being promoted by one of our oldest and dearest company’s of my country Canada. And that company is Bell Canada.

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2. Because they are supporting a truly worthy cause. A cause that I suffer from daily and recently I’m sad to report my oldest daughter is now batteling from ūüė¶

And that is mental health disorders, sadly this is the disease that you don’t always physically see and is often hidden by us with this disease because we are ashamed and sadly because that is what society has taught us is the way to deal with it.

Today, January 28th, 2014, I ask ¬†my fellow Canadian’s, American’s and my blogging friends, ¬†please, please join me and¬†LET”S TALK,,let’s get the word out there, let us let people know that we are suffering, and that we are people that just need to be heard and listened too and above all that we can be helped we just need a little more support and a little more understanding.

That is all we ask for.

Here is how we can do this.

In Canada with this¬†LET’S TALK¬†inititive it’s easy with every text message, every mobile/long distance call made, tweet with the hashtag #BellLetsTalk,and every Facebook share with the Let’s Talk Image is done 5 cent’s will be donated. I don’t know about you but that’s alot of money that can be raised. You don’t have to be a Bell subscriber,,so please, please do it.

In America,,please donate to your local mental health society’s , your hospital’s, suicide prevention centres etc.

And my blogging community please reblog this post and other’s supporting our disease and our cause.

Here are some commercial’s from my cause, these truly show how I feel when I’m feeling at my worst.

You want to go to work, you need to be at work, people are counting on you to be at work,,BUT YOU JUST CAN’T DO IT. The result is you feel guilty, ashamed and just horrible.

You feel you have no friends, you feel alone, and unloved. Even tho your friends are there and trying to reach out to you. You still feel unworthy, useless and alone.

There’s a lot of french in this one but it’s worth the watch and ¬†listen too:¬†

Yes, even some of your country’s treasure’s, people that you would never ever think suffer from depression. It is truly a silent disease.

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Please my friends, if it’s the only thing I ever ask, please hear us and support us.

Thank you, xo

 

 

 

 

Hanging by a thread.

I’m not ok.

I have been fighting this stupid anxiety and depression for weeks and I am loosing this battle.

I don’t want to leave the apartment, I want to stay in bed.

I did this yesterday as I was physically sick. I told myself and work that it was the flu.

I lied to myself, it’s just this stupid thing in my mind.

I will go to work to day not because I want to but because I have to. I need to pay the rent and put food in the cupboards. I’m basically buying food for my child to eat because the thought of eating makes me feel sick I have no interest in it. In fact I find no interest in anything, I find no joy in anything. I am loosing weight at a quick rate, I have pain in ¬†my bones and my body I don’t feel 43 I feel 63.

Even when I am at work i’m not there. I’m there physically but in my mind I am seeing everyone thru another’s eyes. I put on a smile and be someone that I’m not.

I feel lonely, unloveable, sad, I’m getting angry at the littlest things people say or do. I feel pain and I feel like a burden to people, I feel like people don’t believe me. The feelings of paranoia are back and everyone is out to get me. I’m like Eoyere the donkey from Winnie the Pooh always a downer, not seeing the brighter side of things.

I find myself thinking that maybe it would be better for all around myself to just stop this pain.

I won’t tho, don’t worry. I can’t. I would never to this to my children or ¬†what few friends I still do have and not pushed away.

I’m just tired, i’m tired of it all. I want to feel normal. I want to feel joy, laughter and love again.

At least the sun is shining today. Maybe there is hope?

 

Making Decisions best for myself.

It really is hard for me too make decisions that are best for myself. I’m used to trying to please everyone else.

I bring this up because I have decided that I need to drop out of my College course I am enrolled in right now. I just simply can not continue to work until 1am five nights a week and get up at 7 to go to school until 1pm to be back to work for 4pm and do it all again.

People can’t understand why I have made this decision. These people don’t understand that I have to pay the rent and put food on the table. They also don’t understand that a person that suffers from depression finds it harder to wake up and drag themselves around being sleep deprived. Being tired makes me physically sick and we won’t even go into how it affects me mentally.

Yes, there was only 3 months left, but there was also the practicum part still to do, how would I add that to the mix as well? Plus, I have observed many past students that have graduated from this course and not one of them has yet to find employment in this field

Yes, I have to pay back the student loan, without getting a the diploma and I am ok with that. It’s my decison. I do still have my dental assisting diploma and I will continue to look for a job in that field as a receptionist,,it may take a bit longer to find, but it will come.

It’s a decision that I have made that is best for myself at this time.

I unfriended a good friend that I “thought” was a best friend and understood my struggles with depression. I ended the friendship today because she had the audacity to tell me to get over my excuse of depression. Depression is not a excuse, I didn’t ask to have it, unfortunately it runs in my family, I didn’t ask to inherit it ¬†either.

So I guess I made 2 decisions today that are for best for myself today.Why can’t people understand that?

Christmas Cheer

cheer

Hi Everyone!!!!

I haven’t been around the WordPress world lately, I have been adjusting to the move, a new job that keeps me out until ¬†1 a.m in the morning and then trying to get up early in the morning for school. Plus battling my anxiety and that stupid demon of depression has been lurking it’s ugly head again. I’m glad to say that I am beginning to see the light again and it’s about time as I can’t afford to miss any more time at school. I can’t afford to go back on my medicine for it right now but I have been feeling more like myself these last few days.

The last 2 days I took off of school and on Tuesday my friend “E” suggested that I ¬†apply to the local Christmas Cheer charity to see if we qualify for any assistance for Christmas. I have never had to do anything like this before in fact, I am usually the person that donates to these places at this time of year.

I’m so glad that I sucked up my pride and went with my daughter and friend. The people there were so kind and nice. We qualified to receive a food hamper, a turkey and some grocery gift certificates, we pick these up on the 20th of this month and they even have volunteers that will drive us home with our Christmas treats. So this means that the money I would have spent for our Christmas dinner can now be used to put some gifts for my girls under the tree and with the gift certificates I now don’t have to go to the Food Bank and I can even do some Xmas baking!

My boss at work has expressed how glad they are to have me working for them, they are  happy with my work and they are giving me more hours and in the new year they may be hiring my daughter as well!

Yesterday as I was travelling on the bus, ¬†I got off at my stop and started walking to my apartment building I thought to myself just how much I love this city I now live in, I’m getting used to being alone and getting to be ok with not having a significant other in my life. I realized that I’m happy with me and that I can do this, I’ve got this!

Now I’m angry.

I haven’t really been posting much lately because I have been too busy reading everybody else’s blogs and their stories.

Yesterday I was over at Melanie’s blog called¬†Deliberate Donkey¬†and I read part 1 of a 3 part post by¬†Sofia Leo, ¬†How a smart person can get sucked into abuse.

The part that particularly spoke to me was the part about how her abuser would constantly wake her up. That part turned on a light bulb in my little brain.

As I have mentioned before on here I love,love, love my sleep. I’m the kind of person who needs her 8 hours of blessed slumber each and every night.

The ex did not like that I slept this much. He was always telling me that I slept too much. He said he worried about my health and if I was normal because of the amount of sleep I was doing. When he would wake especially on the weekends, he would pace in and out of the bedroom, he would find reasons to come into the bedroom to get things, or ask me where something was. And sometimes he would just come into the room to ask me repeatedly when I was going to get up. I would just get up and start my day to shut his mouth up.

9 times out of 10 once he got his way and I was up, he would go do something outside for hours by himself. He didn’t want to spend time with me, he just wanted to control me. The other 1% of the time he just wanted me to get up to cook his sorry ass some breakfast.

I started to force myself to stay awake later at night and was exhausted the next day. I began to doubt myself and worried that my past struggles with depression were starting to rear it’s ugly head. I told him I needed to go to the Dr. to see why I was so tired all the time and why I needed so much sleep, He wouldn’t take me, because it would interfere in his life, he could take time off of work to take himself to appointments but ¬†not me.

sleep

I believe the only thing that got me thru this time and gave me enough strength and emotional/mental energy was the naps that I snuck almost each and every afternoon after school. I had 3 hours between when I got home from school and when his narcissistic ass came thru the door to have a nap and cook his dinner. If I hadn’t of had this much needed rest I probably would still be there, having him twisting and turning his evil web of lie’s, manipulation, control and narcissistic ways.

Funny thing now that I’m out and even tho I have been sleeping on a couch and will be for 2 more weeks, I’ve been getting some really, really great sleep. On the wknds, if I feel like I would like to have a rest I can and nobody questions me or bothers me. I also have noticed that in the evenings I am staying up later, in fact I am enjoying being up and often have to make myself go to bed and get my rest.

So thank you, thank you Sofia for that post it made me see once more how that narcissistic asshole was controlling me.

And to all out there in this situation please heed her advice and:

  • Get enough sleep, no matter what. If a partner often robs you of your sleep for what seems like a trivial reason, take a long look at what‚Äôs going on ‚Äď s/he may have a specific motive for making sure you can‚Äôt function the next day, week, year.

Now I’m just angry.

I hate this feeling

I can feel the depression,,,,it’s rearing it’s ugly head again.

I hate this feeling, I hate having to battle against it.

I hate having to struggle to get myself up and force myself to start my day.

I hate having to put on a happy face and act like everything is ok.

I hate the feeling of not feeling secure enough to actually answer when someone asks me how I’m feeling, with “you know what I’m feeling really sad and down today and I have no actual reason as to why”?

Because,,,people will judge me and think i’m crazy.

Especially at school around my peers,,after all, I can’t let them see this side of me,,,because I may have to actually work with one or maybe more of them in the future. And,,,who will hire someone with a mental illness,,,right???

We are scary, crazy, nuts, unreliable and not worth the trouble.

And that makes me even more sad.

Have a good day all,,,,I’m off to go put my happy face on and just try to make it thru my public part of the day until I can go home and cry.

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Who needs friends?

I have recently been reading¬†Merbear’s blog,,because we share a few things in common,,we both have a quirky sense of wacky humour (she makes me laugh alot),,,and we both battle with depression.

Today I read this post and a light bulb came on in my head:

Knocked over by a feather—- the imposter

This¬†EXACT¬†thing happened to me at my last full time job,,,when I had my mental breakdown. I used to have lots of “friends”, I was always happy, bubbly and willing to help others. When it came to work I would always go above and beyond and pitch a hand. I was always asked to go out for drinks and dinner when the gang went out.

When the depression started to rear it’s ugly head,,,I didn’t know what was happening, slowly I withdrew, I didn’t laugh as much or seem interested in others. I started calling in sick one or two times a week,,,and when I managed to get my ass to work,,,often in the parking lot I would simply turn around and go home and go back to bed. I had extreme feelings of being worthless and paranoia.

Did one. single. person ask me what was wrong? Or if I was ok?  NOPE.

I had a work evaluation with my head manager one day during this time,,,I aced it still, because I was still keeping the shelves stocked, paperwork done and was making the “big box retailer” money. I got my raise and that was that.

As I was walking out the office door,,,,the manager made a comment to me of “Hopefully, now that you know we value you,,you will be your old cheerful self again”. I made my plan for suicide that day.

Thank god I never did follow thru with said suicide and instead drove myself to the hospital and asked for help.

I quit that job, never went back, and never really heard from any of my work friends, I still have some of them on my facebook, so they all know what happened and why I never went back. Did I hear from any of them, a kind word? Nope.

The other thing that got me thinking about Merbear’s post was that I never really have had one really close friend. I’ve always had “work friends”

Recently I have come to the realization that the one “best friend” that I did think I have really isn’t the friend I thought she was or maybe I should rephrase that– not the friend I wanted her to be. It has come to my attention that I really only hear from her when she needs someone to vent too,,, whether it’s about her ex, her kids or her bf,, I only really hear from her when she only wants someone to listen to her woes.

Whenever, I took initiative and would ask to meet up for coffee or lunch,,,she always had “no money”,, so like a sucker I would pay, only to see her post on facebook the next day about how she had gone out for wings,,,or the movies the night before.

When it comes to the good that is happening in her life I never hear from her,,,I only learn about good stuff on facebook, you’d think you’d want to call and tell your “best friend”,,,when you get a promotion at work, or you buy a new house right?

I’ve stopped texting and answering this person’s texts,,,,because I also realized when I was sick and in the hospital she never came to visit me, she never asked how my treatment was going, when I was jobless or even almost homeless,,,she never offered help or a kind word.

That’s not what friends are.

I have some school friends,,some nice ladies, that I have a good time with,,I won’t be holding my breath to hear much from them once we are done this course and back out in the “real world”.

I don’t need “real live friends”,,,cause I have met some really good friends here out in the world wide web and thru blogging,,so to the friends that I have met thru this blog and wordpress.

Thanks for being my friend!

thanks