It’s November you know what that means………!!!

TIME FOR ALL THINGS CHRISTMAS BITCHES!!

I don’t want to hear anyone complaining that I should wait until after Remembrance Day to decorate, because I’m not going too. My decorating my apartment to make me happy in no way takes away my respect for our Veteran’s.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about a group that I have set up on Facebook for a Christmas Card Exchange, everyone loves to get Christmas cards, and because of the internet this past time is slowly disappearing. Let’s not let this happen people!!

Please sign in to your facebook and join my group!

Christmas Cards Around the World Exchange!

Christmas Cards Around the World Exchange!

Christmas Cards Around the World Exchange!

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So what I took the summer off, what’s it to you??

Well, I didn’t really take the summer off . Just from blogging because I have been working my ass off since mid June at my new job at

Target, which I LOVE  by the way!!! 3 month probation is done in the next few days woohoooo!!

But I put this question out there for you all. Even tho I am now going from working only 25 hours a week to 40 hours a week why the hell am I STILL am struggling to pay the bills???

Seriously, I hate picking and choosing who to pay. Currently, I have no phone, while I catch up on internet and cable so that Big C has some mode of entertainment. As BIG C has had a relapse on her Anxiety Disorder and is again not working because of loosing her second job because of this stupid Anxiety Disorder.

I’m struggling to save up the money to pay for the missed Dr’s appt’s that she missed because of her anxiety of leaving the house, so that I can get her help. (I will now be attending all Dr’s appt’s with her so I know that she doesn’t have a anxiety attack and go home instead of making her way to the app’t)

I didn’t realize that the anxiety had reared it’s ugly head again until she lost her second job. The kid was embarrassed, disapointed in herself and confused to tell me. She felt that she was letting me  down. I explained to her that we need to work as a team and to get her help but the first step is to get back to the Dr. and to work on this head on. Unfortunately, I can not afford to get private help for her so we are going to need to go the hard, slow way and thru our Ontario health care.

It was suggested by the local Job Bank, that she should be applying for Disability. I have fought against this but I think she may just need to go this venue. It’s all very confusing and I have no idea on how to go about this. I hope getting back into the Dr, and asking his advice might shed a bit of light.

Sigh, it’s like a friggen revolving door I tell you.

In the meantime we are in the beginnings of working to open our own little online business of cute little Christmas Pillows, themed Pillows and Baby Quilts.

I’m a cool chick now and have opened up a pay pal account, a ebay account and have recently ordered some cute fabric from the states that will hopefully arrive at my door early next week, so we can get this going!

Here’s a pic of one of the panels I have coming!

snowman

Now that summer is just about done here (it never really did arrive in Ontario), we will be spending alot more time in doors sewing! And blogging of course!

How was your summer, what’s the latest gossip?  And any advice on how to go about getting help with going down the road for help with Big C would be appreciated!

Christmas Cheer

cheer

Hi Everyone!!!!

I haven’t been around the WordPress world lately, I have been adjusting to the move, a new job that keeps me out until  1 a.m in the morning and then trying to get up early in the morning for school. Plus battling my anxiety and that stupid demon of depression has been lurking it’s ugly head again. I’m glad to say that I am beginning to see the light again and it’s about time as I can’t afford to miss any more time at school. I can’t afford to go back on my medicine for it right now but I have been feeling more like myself these last few days.

The last 2 days I took off of school and on Tuesday my friend “E” suggested that I  apply to the local Christmas Cheer charity to see if we qualify for any assistance for Christmas. I have never had to do anything like this before in fact, I am usually the person that donates to these places at this time of year.

I’m so glad that I sucked up my pride and went with my daughter and friend. The people there were so kind and nice. We qualified to receive a food hamper, a turkey and some grocery gift certificates, we pick these up on the 20th of this month and they even have volunteers that will drive us home with our Christmas treats. So this means that the money I would have spent for our Christmas dinner can now be used to put some gifts for my girls under the tree and with the gift certificates I now don’t have to go to the Food Bank and I can even do some Xmas baking!

My boss at work has expressed how glad they are to have me working for them, they are  happy with my work and they are giving me more hours and in the new year they may be hiring my daughter as well!

Yesterday as I was travelling on the bus,  I got off at my stop and started walking to my apartment building I thought to myself just how much I love this city I now live in, I’m getting used to being alone and getting to be ok with not having a significant other in my life. I realized that I’m happy with me and that I can do this, I’ve got this!

Please send a prayer for my friend.

I’m pretty sure today that a person that at one time was a really good friend and past co-worker of mine,  tried to commit suicide.

She is a very beautiful person on the outside, but struggles with demons on the inside. Anxiety, and depression  she fights every day. Unfortunately, she deals with these struggles with alcohol and illegal drugs.

Today she posted on facebook that she had, had a accident and that she couldn’t get to a phone to call for help. She also posted many pictures of a gaping slash/cut, sadly she posted these pictures and the status from her working phone,,which I guess she forgot that could be used also to call for a ambulance. I wasn’t home and didn’t see the status right away, thankfully someone else did and called a ambulance and contacted her family.

I know that she is in a bad, bad place right now. She graduated college a few months ago but has not been able to find employment and is facing eviction.

I am waiting to hear from her family right now on her status.

Her situation makes me feel thankful for what little I do have.

It’s been tough around here these last few weeks and I had a huge anxiety attack at school this week. I have a measly part time job that will barely cover January’s rent and I have resigned myself that I will have to visit the food bank later this week to make ends meet.

BUT,that’s ok because I have a awesome daughter that continues to amaze me. My child sold her MAC computer today on kijijii,(without my knowledge) the money is to go towards a ticket to visit her girlfriend in Wales next July, but she has entrusted me to put it into my savings account as a cushion in case we need a little help for rent until I finish college in Feb. Having this cushion will make us be able to sleep just a little bit better.

I called my parent’s today and kind of hinted that things are really tough around here right now. In return, I was told how people everywhere are hitting hard times. In the next sentence I heard how excited they are for  their Mexican vacation during the holidays. I hope they have fun.

We have very little, but we have each other, a roof over our heads, heat, light and Christmas movies.

Life is good.

I leave you with a picture of our ghetto Christmas tree,,,,next pay we can get a dollar store angel and tree skirt,, and god willing a gift or two for my girls woohoo!

 

tree

Settled in.

We did it!

We are all moved in.

It was stressful picking up my stuff at the ex’s. I showed up at his place at 8am, with boxes and packed all my stuff that was left. Every question he asked me I answered with a yes or no, once the boxes were packed Big C and I took them out to the driveway and then we waited in the car until the mover’s showed up, once they had everything in the truck I simply walked back to the car shut the door and didn’t look back. I said no good bye, no see ya around, or even a fuck you asshole. He simply wasn’t worth it.

Anyways, we were all done moving everything and the couch was delivered by noon! Big C and I went out for lunch to celebrate our freedom and did some shopping at Wallyworld.

We were exhausted by the time we got home and just wanted to crash but we had promised a friend of mine to meet up to go see the Santa Claus parade and the Annual Christmas Tree Lighting. I’m glad that we dragged our butts downtown because we had so much fun.

Here’s a little clip of one of the floats (look TD, the cowboy has one of those light saber thingy’s!)

Last night we put up our Christmas tree. I don’t have a pic yet of the finished result because we ran out of garland, I have to get some more tomorrow to finish it up but here’s a few fun pics!

Tired kitty, with some ornaments. (She made the move brilliantly)!

Tired kitty, with some ornaments. (She made the move brilliantly)!

 

 

 

This is my Christmas Terrorist,,,,silly Big C!

This is my Christmas Terrorist,,,,silly Big C!

Today, I start my new job at Wendy’s look out world here I come!

Dear Diary:

Dear Diary:

Well, it’s been a week and 2 days since I left the narcissistic asshole.

And even tho I’m pretty sure that this couch I’m sleeping on every night has fleas, I’m thankful for it. It’s in a warm place without narcissistic manipulation and  I’m still glad I left. Over this last week I have learned how to take the new bus service from where I’m staying to the “bigger” city to school every day and it’s actually not at all that bad, hey I even get to sleep in an hour and a half later every morning!

I have been spending quality time with my 2 girls. Today was little C’s bday she turned 15, we went to the mall and I bought her some Anime season she wanted, we then went to dinner at Kelsey’s and enjoyed watching sports and even playing some:

Nothing like coaster hockey!

Nothing like coaster hockey!

Don't listen to what anyone says,,I kicked ass at this game.
Don’t listen to what anyone says,,I kicked ass at this game.

Later in the evening we went to little C’s hockey game and her team won 4-1! Yaaayyy.

I’m not going to lie Diary, I had a few relapse moments this week when I missed, and even contemplated going back to the asshat, but that was quickly squashed when I had to ask him to drop off my winter coat because winter dropped unexpectedly early on us this year. He quickly started his ways of manipulating and turning everything around  on me and making me feel that I’m the crazy one.

I’m not going back. I’m not even going to speak to him or have contact with him until the day of my move. That will be the EXACT last day that I will ever, ever speak or lay eyes on him again. I won’t tell him that, I won’t fall into his trap, and I won’t get down to his level EVER again. I will simply disappear, it will be like I never existed in his life. He probably won’t even notice.

  • Unfortunately, because I am a normal, rational, mentally stable, good person it will take me a good long time to forget these past 9 months. It will take me time to heal and to trust another person and in fact  men again, for a very, very long time.

I’m scared.

But not for the old reasons, these are new scary feelings. I’m scared and excited for the next part of my life. I’m excited for it, but scared. I have lots of anxiety over it, I’m worried about so many things, what if the money runs out before I find a second job, what if I don’t have money for food, I’m worried about Christmas, how will I give my girls a nice good Christmas if I don’t get a second job right away.

I’m also worried that I’m having these anxietys and it’s only the end of Oct. We haven’t even had Halloween for heaven’s sake. I’m worried about spiraling back into the black hole of depression again.

  • But,I have also noticed some good things.

I have noticed that I am not eating as much food and food crap and drinking much more water. I’m going to venture onto the weight scale tomorrow and hopefully confirm a weight loss.

I’m not drinking alcohol even 1/4 as much as I was with the ex. I totally now think that the ex is a alcoholic.

I’m walking more to the bus stops, from bus stops, to work from school etc. The exercised feels great, I forgot how much a good walk is.

I find myself not sleeping as much,,,mostly because the kids cats decide that 1am is a acceptable time to run around the house and play and meow for food. And the dog thinks around 3 am is a acceptable  time to go out for a pee and, then once back in she decides it’s time to do god knows what to her genital area, but it sure sounds like lick smacking goodness for her.

It’s also good that I have recognized that I am having these feelings and it may be time for me to make a trip to the doc and get a prescription for some anxiety meds. I know it’s ok to ask for help for this to get me thru this time.

I have to stay on this itchy, couch for 3 more weeks diary, they are going to be long itchy, scabie ones but that’s ok,,,I will buy some calamine lotion and Benadryl and get thru this, I have gotten this far and I am stronger for it, it can only get better.

Till next time Dear Diary,,,

love: your friend me.