So what I took the summer off, what’s it to you??

Well, I didn’t really take the summer off . Just from blogging because I have been working my ass off since mid June at my new job at

Target, which I LOVE  by the way!!! 3 month probation is done in the next few days woohoooo!!

But I put this question out there for you all. Even tho I am now going from working only 25 hours a week to 40 hours a week why the hell am I STILL am struggling to pay the bills???

Seriously, I hate picking and choosing who to pay. Currently, I have no phone, while I catch up on internet and cable so that Big C has some mode of entertainment. As BIG C has had a relapse on her Anxiety Disorder and is again not working because of loosing her second job because of this stupid Anxiety Disorder.

I’m struggling to save up the money to pay for the missed Dr’s appt’s that she missed because of her anxiety of leaving the house, so that I can get her help. (I will now be attending all Dr’s appt’s with her so I know that she doesn’t have a anxiety attack and go home instead of making her way to the app’t)

I didn’t realize that the anxiety had reared it’s ugly head again until she lost her second job. The kid was embarrassed, disapointed in herself and confused to tell me. She felt that she was letting me  down. I explained to her that we need to work as a team and to get her help but the first step is to get back to the Dr. and to work on this head on. Unfortunately, I can not afford to get private help for her so we are going to need to go the hard, slow way and thru our Ontario health care.

It was suggested by the local Job Bank, that she should be applying for Disability. I have fought against this but I think she may just need to go this venue. It’s all very confusing and I have no idea on how to go about this. I hope getting back into the Dr, and asking his advice might shed a bit of light.

Sigh, it’s like a friggen revolving door I tell you.

In the meantime we are in the beginnings of working to open our own little online business of cute little Christmas Pillows, themed Pillows and Baby Quilts.

I’m a cool chick now and have opened up a pay pal account, a ebay account and have recently ordered some cute fabric from the states that will hopefully arrive at my door early next week, so we can get this going!

Here’s a pic of one of the panels I have coming!

snowman

Now that summer is just about done here (it never really did arrive in Ontario), we will be spending alot more time in doors sewing! And blogging of course!

How was your summer, what’s the latest gossip?  And any advice on how to go about getting help with going down the road for help with Big C would be appreciated!

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Adult mother daughter love.

Being a mother to a adult daughter now (Big C turned 20 this month), is truly kind of a cool thing.

We watch the same type of shows most timesby this I mean, I endure Breaking Bad and Sons of Anarchy marathons and Big C endures my trashy Maury/Steve shows, Canada Master Chef and Sunday Coronation Street Marathons.

We wander down to the pub and have a few drinks at least once a week too watch the Hockey game and I get to humiliate her by injecting myself into other people’s conversations with my witty fun wheeling words of inspiration 😉

Being mother and daughter we can have really good fun times, and horrible mean hurtful times, when words are said that cut to the core. There are tears, yelling, hugs and words of encouragement. We are there for each other thru the hard times and for the not so hard times.

We can be silly at home where no one in the real world can see us. Who doesn’t like to play rub your finger in your belly button and put your finger under your mom or daughter’s nose and play “what’s that smell”? Best game in awhile has been the “VAGINA” slap game,,,good times.  I mean really sounds like grand fun right, all moms and daughter’s play these don’t they???

We try each other’s attempts at new recipes and can truthfully let each other no when it’s a complete FAIL!  then throw that shit away and order a pizza or if it’s a financially lean time make a big plate of peanut butter and crackers and a big ‘ol mug of hot chocolate.

One thing I share with my daughter and it’s something I never wanted to share is my anxiety and depression. Sadly my friends this is something we do share. Recently, she went thru a real bad spell, it’s send her back. She had to leave her 1st real job she was so proud of having and the financial independance she had found that comes with it. 

I’m proud to say that now she is on the road to recovery. She has been going constantly to counselling,and is starting to deal with the realities of things in her life she has been avoiding or didn’t see. She is also  now on the meds she had been avoiding giving a chance. Although it has taking some time making adjustments to them,I am now happy and proud to say she is now is back to my sunny happy girl.

I know that my number one job is to be her mother, to set rules, boundaries and guidelines. But damn it sure is nice to have her as a best friend too!

me3

I love you Big C,,,and always will (even tho you eat waaaay to much salsa & chips and never wash the pots).

Love Mom xo

LET’S TALK!

LET’S TALK

All across Canada we have been seeing commercials with just this logo since right after Christmas.

I’m pretty proud of this campaign and I’m pretty proud of the company promoting it’s label.

Why you ask?

1. Because it’s being promoted by one of our oldest and dearest company’s of my country Canada. And that company is Bell Canada.

BELL2

 

2. Because they are supporting a truly worthy cause. A cause that I suffer from daily and recently I’m sad to report my oldest daughter is now batteling from 😦

And that is mental health disorders, sadly this is the disease that you don’t always physically see and is often hidden by us with this disease because we are ashamed and sadly because that is what society has taught us is the way to deal with it.

Today, January 28th, 2014, I ask  my fellow Canadian’s, American’s and my blogging friends,  please, please join me and LET”S TALK,,let’s get the word out there, let us let people know that we are suffering, and that we are people that just need to be heard and listened too and above all that we can be helped we just need a little more support and a little more understanding.

That is all we ask for.

Here is how we can do this.

In Canada with this LET’S TALK inititive it’s easy with every text message, every mobile/long distance call made, tweet with the hashtag #BellLetsTalk,and every Facebook share with the Let’s Talk Image is done 5 cent’s will be donated. I don’t know about you but that’s alot of money that can be raised. You don’t have to be a Bell subscriber,,so please, please do it.

In America,,please donate to your local mental health society’s , your hospital’s, suicide prevention centres etc.

And my blogging community please reblog this post and other’s supporting our disease and our cause.

Here are some commercial’s from my cause, these truly show how I feel when I’m feeling at my worst.

You want to go to work, you need to be at work, people are counting on you to be at work,,BUT YOU JUST CAN’T DO IT. The result is you feel guilty, ashamed and just horrible.

You feel you have no friends, you feel alone, and unloved. Even tho your friends are there and trying to reach out to you. You still feel unworthy, useless and alone.

There’s a lot of french in this one but it’s worth the watch and  listen too: 

Yes, even some of your country’s treasure’s, people that you would never ever think suffer from depression. It is truly a silent disease.

BELL4

Please my friends, if it’s the only thing I ever ask, please hear us and support us.

Thank you, xo

 

 

 

 

Hanging by a thread.

I’m not ok.

I have been fighting this stupid anxiety and depression for weeks and I am loosing this battle.

I don’t want to leave the apartment, I want to stay in bed.

I did this yesterday as I was physically sick. I told myself and work that it was the flu.

I lied to myself, it’s just this stupid thing in my mind.

I will go to work to day not because I want to but because I have to. I need to pay the rent and put food in the cupboards. I’m basically buying food for my child to eat because the thought of eating makes me feel sick I have no interest in it. In fact I find no interest in anything, I find no joy in anything. I am loosing weight at a quick rate, I have pain in  my bones and my body I don’t feel 43 I feel 63.

Even when I am at work i’m not there. I’m there physically but in my mind I am seeing everyone thru another’s eyes. I put on a smile and be someone that I’m not.

I feel lonely, unloveable, sad, I’m getting angry at the littlest things people say or do. I feel pain and I feel like a burden to people, I feel like people don’t believe me. The feelings of paranoia are back and everyone is out to get me. I’m like Eoyere the donkey from Winnie the Pooh always a downer, not seeing the brighter side of things.

I find myself thinking that maybe it would be better for all around myself to just stop this pain.

I won’t tho, don’t worry. I can’t. I would never to this to my children or  what few friends I still do have and not pushed away.

I’m just tired, i’m tired of it all. I want to feel normal. I want to feel joy, laughter and love again.

At least the sun is shining today. Maybe there is hope?

 

Christmas Cheer

cheer

Hi Everyone!!!!

I haven’t been around the WordPress world lately, I have been adjusting to the move, a new job that keeps me out until  1 a.m in the morning and then trying to get up early in the morning for school. Plus battling my anxiety and that stupid demon of depression has been lurking it’s ugly head again. I’m glad to say that I am beginning to see the light again and it’s about time as I can’t afford to miss any more time at school. I can’t afford to go back on my medicine for it right now but I have been feeling more like myself these last few days.

The last 2 days I took off of school and on Tuesday my friend “E” suggested that I  apply to the local Christmas Cheer charity to see if we qualify for any assistance for Christmas. I have never had to do anything like this before in fact, I am usually the person that donates to these places at this time of year.

I’m so glad that I sucked up my pride and went with my daughter and friend. The people there were so kind and nice. We qualified to receive a food hamper, a turkey and some grocery gift certificates, we pick these up on the 20th of this month and they even have volunteers that will drive us home with our Christmas treats. So this means that the money I would have spent for our Christmas dinner can now be used to put some gifts for my girls under the tree and with the gift certificates I now don’t have to go to the Food Bank and I can even do some Xmas baking!

My boss at work has expressed how glad they are to have me working for them, they are  happy with my work and they are giving me more hours and in the new year they may be hiring my daughter as well!

Yesterday as I was travelling on the bus,  I got off at my stop and started walking to my apartment building I thought to myself just how much I love this city I now live in, I’m getting used to being alone and getting to be ok with not having a significant other in my life. I realized that I’m happy with me and that I can do this, I’ve got this!

Dear Diary:

Dear Diary:

Well, it’s been a week and 2 days since I left the narcissistic asshole.

And even tho I’m pretty sure that this couch I’m sleeping on every night has fleas, I’m thankful for it. It’s in a warm place without narcissistic manipulation and  I’m still glad I left. Over this last week I have learned how to take the new bus service from where I’m staying to the “bigger” city to school every day and it’s actually not at all that bad, hey I even get to sleep in an hour and a half later every morning!

I have been spending quality time with my 2 girls. Today was little C’s bday she turned 15, we went to the mall and I bought her some Anime season she wanted, we then went to dinner at Kelsey’s and enjoyed watching sports and even playing some:

Nothing like coaster hockey!

Nothing like coaster hockey!

Don't listen to what anyone says,,I kicked ass at this game.
Don’t listen to what anyone says,,I kicked ass at this game.

Later in the evening we went to little C’s hockey game and her team won 4-1! Yaaayyy.

I’m not going to lie Diary, I had a few relapse moments this week when I missed, and even contemplated going back to the asshat, but that was quickly squashed when I had to ask him to drop off my winter coat because winter dropped unexpectedly early on us this year. He quickly started his ways of manipulating and turning everything around  on me and making me feel that I’m the crazy one.

I’m not going back. I’m not even going to speak to him or have contact with him until the day of my move. That will be the EXACT last day that I will ever, ever speak or lay eyes on him again. I won’t tell him that, I won’t fall into his trap, and I won’t get down to his level EVER again. I will simply disappear, it will be like I never existed in his life. He probably won’t even notice.

  • Unfortunately, because I am a normal, rational, mentally stable, good person it will take me a good long time to forget these past 9 months. It will take me time to heal and to trust another person and in fact  men again, for a very, very long time.

I’m scared.

But not for the old reasons, these are new scary feelings. I’m scared and excited for the next part of my life. I’m excited for it, but scared. I have lots of anxiety over it, I’m worried about so many things, what if the money runs out before I find a second job, what if I don’t have money for food, I’m worried about Christmas, how will I give my girls a nice good Christmas if I don’t get a second job right away.

I’m also worried that I’m having these anxietys and it’s only the end of Oct. We haven’t even had Halloween for heaven’s sake. I’m worried about spiraling back into the black hole of depression again.

  • But,I have also noticed some good things.

I have noticed that I am not eating as much food and food crap and drinking much more water. I’m going to venture onto the weight scale tomorrow and hopefully confirm a weight loss.

I’m not drinking alcohol even 1/4 as much as I was with the ex. I totally now think that the ex is a alcoholic.

I’m walking more to the bus stops, from bus stops, to work from school etc. The exercised feels great, I forgot how much a good walk is.

I find myself not sleeping as much,,,mostly because the kids cats decide that 1am is a acceptable time to run around the house and play and meow for food. And the dog thinks around 3 am is a acceptable  time to go out for a pee and, then once back in she decides it’s time to do god knows what to her genital area, but it sure sounds like lick smacking goodness for her.

It’s also good that I have recognized that I am having these feelings and it may be time for me to make a trip to the doc and get a prescription for some anxiety meds. I know it’s ok to ask for help for this to get me thru this time.

I have to stay on this itchy, couch for 3 more weeks diary, they are going to be long itchy, scabie ones but that’s ok,,,I will buy some calamine lotion and Benadryl and get thru this, I have gotten this far and I am stronger for it, it can only get better.

Till next time Dear Diary,,,

love: your friend me.