Now I’m angry.

I haven’t really been posting much lately because I have been too busy reading everybody else’s blogs and their stories.

Yesterday I was over at Melanie’s blog called Deliberate Donkey and I read part 1 of a 3 part post by Sofia Leo,  How a smart person can get sucked into abuse.

The part that particularly spoke to me was the part about how her abuser would constantly wake her up. That part turned on a light bulb in my little brain.

As I have mentioned before on here I love,love, love my sleep. I’m the kind of person who needs her 8 hours of blessed slumber each and every night.

The ex did not like that I slept this much. He was always telling me that I slept too much. He said he worried about my health and if I was normal because of the amount of sleep I was doing. When he would wake especially on the weekends, he would pace in and out of the bedroom, he would find reasons to come into the bedroom to get things, or ask me where something was. And sometimes he would just come into the room to ask me repeatedly when I was going to get up. I would just get up and start my day to shut his mouth up.

9 times out of 10 once he got his way and I was up, he would go do something outside for hours by himself. He didn’t want to spend time with me, he just wanted to control me. The other 1% of the time he just wanted me to get up to cook his sorry ass some breakfast.

I started to force myself to stay awake later at night and was exhausted the next day. I began to doubt myself and worried that my past struggles with depression were starting to rear it’s ugly head. I told him I needed to go to the Dr. to see why I was so tired all the time and why I needed so much sleep, He wouldn’t take me, because it would interfere in his life, he could take time off of work to take himself to appointments but  not me.

sleep

I believe the only thing that got me thru this time and gave me enough strength and emotional/mental energy was the naps that I snuck almost each and every afternoon after school. I had 3 hours between when I got home from school and when his narcissistic ass came thru the door to have a nap and cook his dinner. If I hadn’t of had this much needed rest I probably would still be there, having him twisting and turning his evil web of lie’s, manipulation, control and narcissistic ways.

Funny thing now that I’m out and even tho I have been sleeping on a couch and will be for 2 more weeks, I’ve been getting some really, really great sleep. On the wknds, if I feel like I would like to have a rest I can and nobody questions me or bothers me. I also have noticed that in the evenings I am staying up later, in fact I am enjoying being up and often have to make myself go to bed and get my rest.

So thank you, thank you Sofia for that post it made me see once more how that narcissistic asshole was controlling me.

And to all out there in this situation please heed her advice and:

  • Get enough sleep, no matter what. If a partner often robs you of your sleep for what seems like a trivial reason, take a long look at what’s going on – s/he may have a specific motive for making sure you can’t function the next day, week, year.

Now I’m just angry.

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The List

I decided to start a list a few weeks back of all the “rules” and stupid things bf says to make me feel like a child, or to just put me down. I’ve just been adding to it whenever I remember something. And, I decided to post the list today,,,,hang on folks it’s a pretty long list.

  • Don’t slam the car door (bad for the car don’t you know. I’m really surprised that we don’t see more car doors falling off of cars driving down the highway).
  • Toilet seat must be down
  • Make sure the toilet does not run
  • Dish soap must be kept under the sink
  • No crumbs in the counter mice don’t you know 
  • I know nothing about the difference between floss vs toothpicks (even tho I am a Dental Assistant and he actually said this btw.)
  • Or wells
  • Or living in the country
  • Or medical stuff (i’m currently in college for Mediacal Administration and Transcription).
  • Or music
  • Or trivia
  • Or tuning of instruments (even tho I went to the Toronto School of the Arts for violin).
  • Temper tantrums (I never knew that grown men had tempertantrums like his,,ex: mr. “i’m the best omelette maker” failed at making his speciality,,got mad and thru the ruined egg mass AND frying pan outside). Need more examples,,,I got lots just ask.
  • No eating in the car
  • Can’t have a drink in the passenger cup holder of the car(but it’s ok for him to smoke in the car)
  • The other cup holder is clearly to hold his phone and cigarettes and lighter
  • Oh and he can drink his coffee in the car don’t you know ’cause he’s the MAN
  • It’s more important to fix the shed in the backyard. Than it is to fix under the sink where the field mice come come in over the winter when it gets cold. But, when they do come in,,it’s my fault because of toast crumbs.
  • He was too receive a hefty amount of inheritence from when his gma passed away,,he asked if I needed anything,,,and I mentioned that all I would really like is to replace my old winter coat and a pair of winter boots. Not going to happen now,,,since he announced all the money is gone,,,,and in the next breath,,,laughed at how he spent over a grand on his children that won’t even grace us with their presence. I won’t EVEN go into all the shit he bought for himself.

These one’s are just from this morning on the 20 min car ride into town.

  • I’m sooo lucky to have such a nice bf to drive me to the city for school or he could just drop me off at the bus stop like those other poor saps  I was in such shock of this statement,,that I didn’t say anything,,but he made a shocked comment about my facial expression,,(guess it was the are you fucking kidding me look).
  • I made a comment how my buddy Amber from Words Become Superfluous had a posted aJake Gillenhall spotting down in Toronto at TIFF. He was kind enough to enlighten me that is “that guy” from broke back mountain–thanks Asswhole,,,,I never knew that.

There is soooooo much more,,,but I’m just starting school,,,,and i’m getting angry.

The thing that pisses me off is that when you start dating these people they show you that they CAN be nice,caring and generally do give a shit what you think. Then when they’ve got you where they want you they turn into a narcissistic piece of crap.

I can’t wait to get out.

But now my worrying is starting,,,it’s the “what if’s”,,,what if my student loan money doesn’t come thru. What if I don’t find a job right away,,,,and now i’m having bad problems with my hands,,and i’m worrying about that,,,I don’t even have money for prescriptions if I need them and have to lower myself to asking him to pay for them.

My anxiety is waking me up at night,,,guess I will have the dr. for more of these pills now too,,,,,,,

Who needs friends?

I have recently been reading Merbear’s blog,,because we share a few things in common,,we both have a quirky sense of wacky humour (she makes me laugh alot),,,and we both battle with depression.

Today I read this post and a light bulb came on in my head:

Knocked over by a feather—- the imposter

This EXACT thing happened to me at my last full time job,,,when I had my mental breakdown. I used to have lots of “friends”, I was always happy, bubbly and willing to help others. When it came to work I would always go above and beyond and pitch a hand. I was always asked to go out for drinks and dinner when the gang went out.

When the depression started to rear it’s ugly head,,,I didn’t know what was happening, slowly I withdrew, I didn’t laugh as much or seem interested in others. I started calling in sick one or two times a week,,,and when I managed to get my ass to work,,,often in the parking lot I would simply turn around and go home and go back to bed. I had extreme feelings of being worthless and paranoia.

Did one. single. person ask me what was wrong? Or if I was ok?  NOPE.

I had a work evaluation with my head manager one day during this time,,,I aced it still, because I was still keeping the shelves stocked, paperwork done and was making the “big box retailer” money. I got my raise and that was that.

As I was walking out the office door,,,,the manager made a comment to me of “Hopefully, now that you know we value you,,you will be your old cheerful self again”. I made my plan for suicide that day.

Thank god I never did follow thru with said suicide and instead drove myself to the hospital and asked for help.

I quit that job, never went back, and never really heard from any of my work friends, I still have some of them on my facebook, so they all know what happened and why I never went back. Did I hear from any of them, a kind word? Nope.

The other thing that got me thinking about Merbear’s post was that I never really have had one really close friend. I’ve always had “work friends”

Recently I have come to the realization that the one “best friend” that I did think I have really isn’t the friend I thought she was or maybe I should rephrase that– not the friend I wanted her to be. It has come to my attention that I really only hear from her when she needs someone to vent too,,, whether it’s about her ex, her kids or her bf,, I only really hear from her when she only wants someone to listen to her woes.

Whenever, I took initiative and would ask to meet up for coffee or lunch,,,she always had “no money”,, so like a sucker I would pay, only to see her post on facebook the next day about how she had gone out for wings,,,or the movies the night before.

When it comes to the good that is happening in her life I never hear from her,,,I only learn about good stuff on facebook, you’d think you’d want to call and tell your “best friend”,,,when you get a promotion at work, or you buy a new house right?

I’ve stopped texting and answering this person’s texts,,,,because I also realized when I was sick and in the hospital she never came to visit me, she never asked how my treatment was going, when I was jobless or even almost homeless,,,she never offered help or a kind word.

That’s not what friends are.

I have some school friends,,some nice ladies, that I have a good time with,,I won’t be holding my breath to hear much from them once we are done this course and back out in the “real world”.

I don’t need “real live friends”,,,cause I have met some really good friends here out in the world wide web and thru blogging,,so to the friends that I have met thru this blog and wordpress.

Thanks for being my friend!

thanks

My story:

One of the reasons I  started this blog was too tell my story, I will do it in parts, cause it’s long.

I pretty much grew up in my early years like a normal happy child. I don’t really remember any bad times, in fact I remember lots of happy memories.

I have a younger brother by 2 years and we had normal sibling quabbles and good times.

We were pretty lucky kids, we spent every summer at the family cottage. From the weekend that school ended at the end of June until Labour Day weekend we were at the cottage. Dad would come up on the weekends and often bring a friend or two of ours to spend the following week with us.

cottagefun

There was loving grandparent’s (on my father’s side only,,I never knew any of my mother’s side, strange I know), lots of uncle’s, aunt’s, godparent’s and cousin’s.

Summers were spent in the lake, hiking, fishing, campfires, with sweet’s of marshmallows, penny candy from the tuck shop, berries, and hot dogs and burgers.

 

The summer’s always ended with a trip the the CNE (Canadian National Exhibition) and back to school shopping.

Life was good back then.

My brother likes to say that we were poor. But, I don’t agree with him. My father always had a job and we were never homeless, we never went to bed hungry, we lived in a nice suburb in a nice townhouse and we had a nice cat and dog.

happy home

My mom was a stay at home mom. We would come home for our lunches during our junior school years. We always had home made meals, homemade cookies, cakes and snacks. I never had store bought snacks or packed lunches until highschool.

That was when my mom went to work.

That’s when I start to have memory’s of things making a turn for the bad.