Hanging by a thread.

I’m not ok.

I have been fighting this stupid anxiety and depression for weeks and I am loosing this battle.

I don’t want to leave the apartment, I want to stay in bed.

I did this yesterday as I was physically sick. I told myself and work that it was the flu.

I lied to myself, it’s just this stupid thing in my mind.

I will go to work to day not because I want to but because I have to. I need to pay the rent and put food in the cupboards. I’m basically buying food for my child to eat because the thought of eating makes me feel sick I have no interest in it. In fact I find no interest in anything, I find no joy in anything. I am loosing weight at a quick rate, I have pain in  my bones and my body I don’t feel 43 I feel 63.

Even when I am at work i’m not there. I’m there physically but in my mind I am seeing everyone thru another’s eyes. I put on a smile and be someone that I’m not.

I feel lonely, unloveable, sad, I’m getting angry at the littlest things people say or do. I feel pain and I feel like a burden to people, I feel like people don’t believe me. The feelings of paranoia are back and everyone is out to get me. I’m like Eoyere the donkey from Winnie the Pooh always a downer, not seeing the brighter side of things.

I find myself thinking that maybe it would be better for all around myself to just stop this pain.

I won’t tho, don’t worry. I can’t. I would never to this to my children or  what few friends I still do have and not pushed away.

I’m just tired, i’m tired of it all. I want to feel normal. I want to feel joy, laughter and love again.

At least the sun is shining today. Maybe there is hope?

 

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sofia Leo
    Dec 30, 2013 @ 17:40:17

    There is always hope!

    Reply

  2. sidstaxtreme
    Dec 30, 2013 @ 17:41:42

    Depression is impermanent just as is everything in this world. It arises and passes like the cycle of birth and death. Do not give unwise attention to this emotion, realize that is not a state of mind, because our minds are naturally at peace. It is when we are not mindful of emotion that we allow them to take residence in our peaceful minds. Be mindful of depressions arrival, it is not “yours” it is not anything. It is empty. When we contemplate this, then we can be mindful of when depression arises, when we contemplate when then we can be mindful of how depression arises, when we contemplate how then we can be mindful of how to prevent it’s arise, when we contemplate how to prevent depression from arising, then we can be mindful of the absence of the emotion, and when we contemplate the absence of depression, then you will end your suffering.

    I recommend a book to you it is called “Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening” By Joseph Goldstein

    I too struggle with depression and I’ve done the anti-depressents, the group therapy and a bunch of other stuff that just didn’t work Then I found Buddhism and through my studies everything started to make sense. We live in a world of impermanence governed by our attachments and delusions. Read, become enlightened and end your suffering.

    Namaste

    Reply

  3. merbear74
    Dec 30, 2013 @ 17:57:50

    I understand how you feel…there is hope…xx

    Reply

  4. amfeelingright
    Dec 31, 2013 @ 07:53:41

    You are stronger than others in a similar state. You are coming out here to talk about it. That is a big thing by itself. Take care my friend.

    Reply

  5. Twindaddy
    Dec 31, 2013 @ 17:30:33

    ((hugs))

    Reply

  6. El Guapo
    Jan 02, 2014 @ 00:44:25

    My browser wouldn’t let me comment on this after you posted it the other day. Effing wordpress.
    You are definitely not unloveable, and friends are the ones who never think of us as burdens.

    Reply

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