Hanging in.

Holy freaking snowman balls is it COLD here!!  It’s actually too cold to stand outside, I have to wear 2 layers of clothes to just wait for the bus for 5 mins.

I’m still adusting here but life is looking a bit brighter. Work is now giving me 40 hours a week unfortunately it means that I am working 6 days a week but for now this is ok. Because it gets me out of the house and around people and not to stew in my own juices.

I still am experiencing anxiety attacks but I am talking myself thru them. I need to stop being such a worry wart things will work themselves out they always seem too. I suffer the anxiety before work but I make myself go and once I’m there I am ok and glad that I’m there.

My daughter has been employed at my job now as well and I am so proud of her for the big steps she has made over the last month (yes can you believe it’s been a month since we’ve moved here, and 2 months since I left the narc?)

She is now taking the city bus alone, she made it thru the job interview process  and the orientation part. She starts here first training shift on friday. Work is being very supportive of her needs and giving her shifts from 11pm until 3:45 am where the front of the store is closed and the drive thru is only open, she doesn’t have to deal with customers and will be working alongside 4 other employees that are pretty nice kids with the same likes as her.

I’m going to get up and pick her up by taxi after her shifts until she is used to taking the city taxis,,,I’m probably going to be exhausted for a bit but, if she keeps being so responsible it will be worth it.

I have realised over the last few weeks just how much mental abuse I had endured from the ex and how it is still affecting me. I still find myself thinking of him, not missing him, but second guessing myself and being in the mindset that he had conditioned me to be. Always thinking two steps ahead, trying not to step on people’s toes, trying to not upset everyone, worrying about what people think of me,,trying not to be stupid etc.

I find myself lonely and wanting to look for a relationship but I know I am absolutely not ready, I need to take care of me and get myself stronger and not rely on a man. So, I guess I have anxiety about that because I am choosing a different path this time and not looking for a man to take care of me. I’m holding out for the man of my dreams it may or may not happen and I’m working on that being just fine with me.



7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Twindaddy
    Dec 16, 2013 @ 17:46:56

    Keep on keeping on. You’re doing great.


  2. The Hook
    Dec 16, 2013 @ 17:59:54

    I feel your pain in terms of the cold and as for your loneliness, well, I got nothin’.
    But you’re a great person so sooner or later your time will come.
    Trust me.


  3. herongrace
    Dec 17, 2013 @ 00:52:16

    Well done! You are doing a fab job. You don’t need anyone else to lean on, just sort yourself out and get stronger 1st. You will in time. Merry Christmas to you and your family and I hate the cold!


  4. Sofia Leo
    Dec 18, 2013 @ 17:16:30

    So happy to hear things are going well for you and your daughter. Spring will be here before you know it and the cold will be a thing of the past 🙂 don’t let your ex’s voice in your head affect your good decisions now – it’s deafening at first, but the noise will fade with time. You’re doing great!


  5. Aussa Lorens
    Dec 19, 2013 @ 04:46:00

    You have been through so much and are doing so well– I can’t wait to see what 2014 has in store for you. I’m glad work is good and that you’re talking your way through your anxiety. It really is crazy how we don’t realize the extent of the abuse we suffer until we’ve had a chance to get away from it. That in itself requires its own sort of mourning period…
    So happy to hear positive things, and in only two months!


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