Hanging by a thread.

I’m not ok.

I have been fighting this stupid anxiety and depression for weeks and I am loosing this battle.

I don’t want to leave the apartment, I want to stay in bed.

I did this yesterday as I was physically sick. I told myself and work that it was the flu.

I lied to myself, it’s just this stupid thing in my mind.

I will go to work to day not because I want to but because I have to. I need to pay the rent and put food in the cupboards. I’m basically buying food for my child to eat because the thought of eating makes me feel sick I have no interest in it. In fact I find no interest in anything, I find no joy in anything. I am loosing weight at a quick rate, I have pain in  my bones and my body I don’t feel 43 I feel 63.

Even when I am at work i’m not there. I’m there physically but in my mind I am seeing everyone thru another’s eyes. I put on a smile and be someone that I’m not.

I feel lonely, unloveable, sad, I’m getting angry at the littlest things people say or do. I feel pain and I feel like a burden to people, I feel like people don’t believe me. The feelings of paranoia are back and everyone is out to get me. I’m like Eoyere the donkey from Winnie the Pooh always a downer, not seeing the brighter side of things.

I find myself thinking that maybe it would be better for all around myself to just stop this pain.

I won’t tho, don’t worry. I can’t. I would never to this to my children or  what few friends I still do have and not pushed away.

I’m just tired, i’m tired of it all. I want to feel normal. I want to feel joy, laughter and love again.

At least the sun is shining today. Maybe there is hope?

 

Advertisements

I want a Sir with love please.

Hi There!

So I haven’t been on here much, simply because not alot has been happening, not much to report.

I get up, watch some tv, go to work, come home, watch some tv, go to bed and repeat.

Christmas was nice my girls were home and we had a nice dinner together.

Big C has adjusted to her first job and I am so proud of her, work has increased my hours so although I don’t have all the rent for Jan 1st ($200 short),,we will be all caught up by the 10th of the month and with her also working we will get all caught up in rent and on the bills.

I can’t stress anymore,,,so what if the rent is late, what’s the worst that can happen?? They can’t evict me if money is paid within 2 weeks. I will simply explain the situation and that we now have a 2 person income coming in.

I feel bad having to have her help me out but alas she is now a adult and being a adult comes with responsibilities and contributing to rent and the bills is part of that.

I have had the last 2 days off and a large majority of the time I have been reading and getting caught up on what my blogging buddies have been up too in their lives.

I spent the morning reading a entire blog from the beginning of it’s time and I have fallen in love with these 2 people. These 2 people found each other years ago in a chat room and fell in love. One lives in the U.S and the other in Australia, life being a dick like it’s known too be thru them a horrible curve ball and they broke up. But after 14 years they have managed to reconnect and write each other love letters on their blog called: The Sir Letters.

I so envy them, I want what they have. Now the question is how to go about having just that? Are they places where you can meet people over the internet,,,do chat rooms even excist anymore?

I encourage you all to go over to The Sir Letters you won’t be disappointed. I promise 🙂

I’m giving meaningful presents this Christmas

A great idea,,,and I will definately be there later today,,,come join us!

Come for Company

Hello folks.

I’ve been advised by my medical team that my Blog changes direction so often and so quickly that I should provide neck-braces! I can’t afford them, so I can only beg: please don’t sue me for whiplash. I am very poor!

This is not love poetry, political spleen or ridiculous advice on writing, criminality or homelessness. This is my other arm (yes, I have unusual jumpers) known as Company for Christmas.

I’m trying to do something lovely for people who will find themselves alone this Christmas. It requires no money and only a fraction of your time! It may even earn you some Blog traffic.

You can help by simply reblogging this post. Job done.

If you want, you can also read this post and offer advice, thoughts or even volunteer to help out. No matter what, it can be as little as ten minutes.

You can…

View original post 400 more words

Christmas With Mental Illness

A great perspective on taking care of yourself during the holidays.
Enjoy this post from my friend Cate.

Hanging in.

Holy freaking snowman balls is it COLD here!!  It’s actually too cold to stand outside, I have to wear 2 layers of clothes to just wait for the bus for 5 mins.

I’m still adusting here but life is looking a bit brighter. Work is now giving me 40 hours a week unfortunately it means that I am working 6 days a week but for now this is ok. Because it gets me out of the house and around people and not to stew in my own juices.

I still am experiencing anxiety attacks but I am talking myself thru them. I need to stop being such a worry wart things will work themselves out they always seem too. I suffer the anxiety before work but I make myself go and once I’m there I am ok and glad that I’m there.

My daughter has been employed at my job now as well and I am so proud of her for the big steps she has made over the last month (yes can you believe it’s been a month since we’ve moved here, and 2 months since I left the narc?)

She is now taking the city bus alone, she made it thru the job interview process  and the orientation part. She starts here first training shift on friday. Work is being very supportive of her needs and giving her shifts from 11pm until 3:45 am where the front of the store is closed and the drive thru is only open, she doesn’t have to deal with customers and will be working alongside 4 other employees that are pretty nice kids with the same likes as her.

I’m going to get up and pick her up by taxi after her shifts until she is used to taking the city taxis,,,I’m probably going to be exhausted for a bit but, if she keeps being so responsible it will be worth it.

I have realised over the last few weeks just how much mental abuse I had endured from the ex and how it is still affecting me. I still find myself thinking of him, not missing him, but second guessing myself and being in the mindset that he had conditioned me to be. Always thinking two steps ahead, trying not to step on people’s toes, trying to not upset everyone, worrying about what people think of me,,trying not to be stupid etc.

I find myself lonely and wanting to look for a relationship but I know I am absolutely not ready, I need to take care of me and get myself stronger and not rely on a man. So, I guess I have anxiety about that because I am choosing a different path this time and not looking for a man to take care of me. I’m holding out for the man of my dreams it may or may not happen and I’m working on that being just fine with me.

 

Making Decisions best for myself.

It really is hard for me too make decisions that are best for myself. I’m used to trying to please everyone else.

I bring this up because I have decided that I need to drop out of my College course I am enrolled in right now. I just simply can not continue to work until 1am five nights a week and get up at 7 to go to school until 1pm to be back to work for 4pm and do it all again.

People can’t understand why I have made this decision. These people don’t understand that I have to pay the rent and put food on the table. They also don’t understand that a person that suffers from depression finds it harder to wake up and drag themselves around being sleep deprived. Being tired makes me physically sick and we won’t even go into how it affects me mentally.

Yes, there was only 3 months left, but there was also the practicum part still to do, how would I add that to the mix as well? Plus, I have observed many past students that have graduated from this course and not one of them has yet to find employment in this field

Yes, I have to pay back the student loan, without getting a the diploma and I am ok with that. It’s my decison. I do still have my dental assisting diploma and I will continue to look for a job in that field as a receptionist,,it may take a bit longer to find, but it will come.

It’s a decision that I have made that is best for myself at this time.

I unfriended a good friend that I “thought” was a best friend and understood my struggles with depression. I ended the friendship today because she had the audacity to tell me to get over my excuse of depression. Depression is not a excuse, I didn’t ask to have it, unfortunately it runs in my family, I didn’t ask to inherit it  either.

So I guess I made 2 decisions today that are for best for myself today.Why can’t people understand that?

Christmas Cheer

cheer

Hi Everyone!!!!

I haven’t been around the WordPress world lately, I have been adjusting to the move, a new job that keeps me out until  1 a.m in the morning and then trying to get up early in the morning for school. Plus battling my anxiety and that stupid demon of depression has been lurking it’s ugly head again. I’m glad to say that I am beginning to see the light again and it’s about time as I can’t afford to miss any more time at school. I can’t afford to go back on my medicine for it right now but I have been feeling more like myself these last few days.

The last 2 days I took off of school and on Tuesday my friend “E” suggested that I  apply to the local Christmas Cheer charity to see if we qualify for any assistance for Christmas. I have never had to do anything like this before in fact, I am usually the person that donates to these places at this time of year.

I’m so glad that I sucked up my pride and went with my daughter and friend. The people there were so kind and nice. We qualified to receive a food hamper, a turkey and some grocery gift certificates, we pick these up on the 20th of this month and they even have volunteers that will drive us home with our Christmas treats. So this means that the money I would have spent for our Christmas dinner can now be used to put some gifts for my girls under the tree and with the gift certificates I now don’t have to go to the Food Bank and I can even do some Xmas baking!

My boss at work has expressed how glad they are to have me working for them, they are  happy with my work and they are giving me more hours and in the new year they may be hiring my daughter as well!

Yesterday as I was travelling on the bus,  I got off at my stop and started walking to my apartment building I thought to myself just how much I love this city I now live in, I’m getting used to being alone and getting to be ok with not having a significant other in my life. I realized that I’m happy with me and that I can do this, I’ve got this!

Previous Older Entries