Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any shittier…….

I got a phone call at school today from my employer or rather my ex-employer,,,informing me that they were letting me go.

They would not give me not one reason as to why.

I told them that I appreciated if they didn’t feel that I made a good fit for their office, but I deserved to know what if anything I did was wrong so I could work on it for any future employers. Again, I was given no reason and just told that my termination papers and owing pay would be mailed to me.

I spoke to the legal people at school and they told me because it was within my 3 month probation time with that office they legally don’t have to give me a reason. They also did point out to me how very unprofessional this was handled by this employer and they put them on a list of do not call to promote to future students or to approach for practicum placements.

At the end of my meeting with the legal/job placement lady,,she said “Basically Fuck them, and fuck their job”,,that made me laugh because this woman is the most professional, and polite person I have met in a long time.

So, now I’m back to square one.    😦

Advertisements

Now I’m angry.

I haven’t really been posting much lately because I have been too busy reading everybody else’s blogs and their stories.

Yesterday I was over at Melanie’s blog called Deliberate Donkey and I read part 1 of a 3 part post by Sofia Leo,  How a smart person can get sucked into abuse.

The part that particularly spoke to me was the part about how her abuser would constantly wake her up. That part turned on a light bulb in my little brain.

As I have mentioned before on here I love,love, love my sleep. I’m the kind of person who needs her 8 hours of blessed slumber each and every night.

The ex did not like that I slept this much. He was always telling me that I slept too much. He said he worried about my health and if I was normal because of the amount of sleep I was doing. When he would wake especially on the weekends, he would pace in and out of the bedroom, he would find reasons to come into the bedroom to get things, or ask me where something was. And sometimes he would just come into the room to ask me repeatedly when I was going to get up. I would just get up and start my day to shut his mouth up.

9 times out of 10 once he got his way and I was up, he would go do something outside for hours by himself. He didn’t want to spend time with me, he just wanted to control me. The other 1% of the time he just wanted me to get up to cook his sorry ass some breakfast.

I started to force myself to stay awake later at night and was exhausted the next day. I began to doubt myself and worried that my past struggles with depression were starting to rear it’s ugly head. I told him I needed to go to the Dr. to see why I was so tired all the time and why I needed so much sleep, He wouldn’t take me, because it would interfere in his life, he could take time off of work to take himself to appointments but  not me.

sleep

I believe the only thing that got me thru this time and gave me enough strength and emotional/mental energy was the naps that I snuck almost each and every afternoon after school. I had 3 hours between when I got home from school and when his narcissistic ass came thru the door to have a nap and cook his dinner. If I hadn’t of had this much needed rest I probably would still be there, having him twisting and turning his evil web of lie’s, manipulation, control and narcissistic ways.

Funny thing now that I’m out and even tho I have been sleeping on a couch and will be for 2 more weeks, I’ve been getting some really, really great sleep. On the wknds, if I feel like I would like to have a rest I can and nobody questions me or bothers me. I also have noticed that in the evenings I am staying up later, in fact I am enjoying being up and often have to make myself go to bed and get my rest.

So thank you, thank you Sofia for that post it made me see once more how that narcissistic asshole was controlling me.

And to all out there in this situation please heed her advice and:

  • Get enough sleep, no matter what. If a partner often robs you of your sleep for what seems like a trivial reason, take a long look at what’s going on – s/he may have a specific motive for making sure you can’t function the next day, week, year.

Now I’m just angry.

I woke up with the worst morning bad breath,

I embraced that morning bad breath and released it with all the force I could.

AWWWWWW,,,,it felt good,,,,I no longer have to worry about rolling over in the morning and be told I smell like shit.

Life is good!

 

morning

Dear Diary:

Dear Diary:

Well, it’s been a week and 2 days since I left the narcissistic asshole.

And even tho I’m pretty sure that this couch I’m sleeping on every night has fleas, I’m thankful for it. It’s in a warm place without narcissistic manipulation and  I’m still glad I left. Over this last week I have learned how to take the new bus service from where I’m staying to the “bigger” city to school every day and it’s actually not at all that bad, hey I even get to sleep in an hour and a half later every morning!

I have been spending quality time with my 2 girls. Today was little C’s bday she turned 15, we went to the mall and I bought her some Anime season she wanted, we then went to dinner at Kelsey’s and enjoyed watching sports and even playing some:

Nothing like coaster hockey!

Nothing like coaster hockey!

Don't listen to what anyone says,,I kicked ass at this game.
Don’t listen to what anyone says,,I kicked ass at this game.

Later in the evening we went to little C’s hockey game and her team won 4-1! Yaaayyy.

I’m not going to lie Diary, I had a few relapse moments this week when I missed, and even contemplated going back to the asshat, but that was quickly squashed when I had to ask him to drop off my winter coat because winter dropped unexpectedly early on us this year. He quickly started his ways of manipulating and turning everything around  on me and making me feel that I’m the crazy one.

I’m not going back. I’m not even going to speak to him or have contact with him until the day of my move. That will be the EXACT last day that I will ever, ever speak or lay eyes on him again. I won’t tell him that, I won’t fall into his trap, and I won’t get down to his level EVER again. I will simply disappear, it will be like I never existed in his life. He probably won’t even notice.

  • Unfortunately, because I am a normal, rational, mentally stable, good person it will take me a good long time to forget these past 9 months. It will take me time to heal and to trust another person and in fact  men again, for a very, very long time.

I’m scared.

But not for the old reasons, these are new scary feelings. I’m scared and excited for the next part of my life. I’m excited for it, but scared. I have lots of anxiety over it, I’m worried about so many things, what if the money runs out before I find a second job, what if I don’t have money for food, I’m worried about Christmas, how will I give my girls a nice good Christmas if I don’t get a second job right away.

I’m also worried that I’m having these anxietys and it’s only the end of Oct. We haven’t even had Halloween for heaven’s sake. I’m worried about spiraling back into the black hole of depression again.

  • But,I have also noticed some good things.

I have noticed that I am not eating as much food and food crap and drinking much more water. I’m going to venture onto the weight scale tomorrow and hopefully confirm a weight loss.

I’m not drinking alcohol even 1/4 as much as I was with the ex. I totally now think that the ex is a alcoholic.

I’m walking more to the bus stops, from bus stops, to work from school etc. The exercised feels great, I forgot how much a good walk is.

I find myself not sleeping as much,,,mostly because the kids cats decide that 1am is a acceptable time to run around the house and play and meow for food. And the dog thinks around 3 am is a acceptable  time to go out for a pee and, then once back in she decides it’s time to do god knows what to her genital area, but it sure sounds like lick smacking goodness for her.

It’s also good that I have recognized that I am having these feelings and it may be time for me to make a trip to the doc and get a prescription for some anxiety meds. I know it’s ok to ask for help for this to get me thru this time.

I have to stay on this itchy, couch for 3 more weeks diary, they are going to be long itchy, scabie ones but that’s ok,,,I will buy some calamine lotion and Benadryl and get thru this, I have gotten this far and I am stronger for it, it can only get better.

Till next time Dear Diary,,,

love: your friend me.

 

 

Furniture advice

The time has come for me to think about furniture for the new apt. Older daughter and I both have beds to lay our weary heads.

It’s a couch and tables we need.

I do have about $600 I could put down on a new one. However,,,,i’m scared to spend it all because my reserve allows to have rent paid till the end of Jan. I NEED to be able to get a second job before then, to be able to make Feb’s rent. Of course I will do any job to make ends meet till i’m done school, well almost any job wink, wink….

So naturally, I would rather keep this couch money in savings in case I don’t find a second job.

What do you all think of those rent to own places, I know the interest is unbelievable  but this would ensure I have some savings.

Yes, I have thought and looked for used on kijijji but no one delivers and I don’t know anyone with a truck.

Advice, comments, recommendations?

The Remote, The Thermostat, and The Middle of the Bed

I’m reblogging this because it says everything EXACTLY how I’m feeling right now in my life.

What has happened to my writing mojo?

I used to be able to write on my old blog all the time. I looked forward to it and I had actual stuff to say.

Now I don’t seem to have a lot to write or talk about.

Sure I could bitch and complain about how I have been feeling sorry for myself over the last few days. Wondering why I can’t seem to meet the right person, wondering what is wrong with me and then wondering why I feel that I need to have anyone in my life at all?

I could write about how I felt so much better about leaving the ex after I had to call him tonight and ask him to drop my winter coat off at where I am staying because winter has decided to rear it’s coldness on us. Can you believe the moron had the balls to tell me that he doesn’t remember ever even asking me to move in with him? He says that I just moved my stuff in,,,,,,wow what a delusional nut. Thank sweet baby jesus that I am rid of that douche bag.

I am seriously thinking of sending a email to his ex before me and apologizing for thinking so badly about her and for believing his clearly made up stories he told me about her. (If I do, do that I will make sure it’s once all my stuff is moved out on the 16th.)

Anyways,,I am off of work this weekend so older daughter and I are going Couch shopping,,,,I’ll take a pic and post which one we  I pick (it is my money afterall)     😉

What are your plans for this upcoming weekend?  How do you get your writing mojo back?

 

Previous Older Entries