Sleep

garfield

I love it. Sleep,,,it’s one of my most favourite things to do.

Plus, I need it. At least 8 hours each and every night.

It befuddles bf,,,,,he can’t understand it. He’s the kind of person that only needs 6 hours, and then he’s up and ready to go.

We get up during the week at 5:30 am to leave for work and school by 6:30.

So,,,I wander to the bedroom around 9 pm every week day night to the beautiful place I call heaven,,,I love our bed.

At least once a week he comes in to my heavenly place,,rubs my back and says that he worries about me and how much I sleep.

I don’t really think he’s worried per se,,,I thinks he’s just lonely out in the living room,,,but I suspect it’s more likely he wants some “boom chicka wow wow”. Sometimes he gets it, sometimes he doesn’t,,,,depends on my mood and how well of a back rub I get 😉

Imagine how much he would “worry” if he learned about the 1hour naps I have every afternoon in the heavenly bed,,,,,,,,

Who needs friends?

I have recently been reading Merbear’s blog,,because we share a few things in common,,we both have a quirky sense of wacky humour (she makes me laugh alot),,,and we both battle with depression.

Today I read this post and a light bulb came on in my head:

Knocked over by a feather—- the imposter

This EXACT thing happened to me at my last full time job,,,when I had my mental breakdown. I used to have lots of “friends”, I was always happy, bubbly and willing to help others. When it came to work I would always go above and beyond and pitch a hand. I was always asked to go out for drinks and dinner when the gang went out.

When the depression started to rear it’s ugly head,,,I didn’t know what was happening, slowly I withdrew, I didn’t laugh as much or seem interested in others. I started calling in sick one or two times a week,,,and when I managed to get my ass to work,,,often in the parking lot I would simply turn around and go home and go back to bed. I had extreme feelings of being worthless and paranoia.

Did one. single. person ask me what was wrong? Or if I was ok?  NOPE.

I had a work evaluation with my head manager one day during this time,,,I aced it still, because I was still keeping the shelves stocked, paperwork done and was making the “big box retailer” money. I got my raise and that was that.

As I was walking out the office door,,,,the manager made a comment to me of “Hopefully, now that you know we value you,,you will be your old cheerful self again”. I made my plan for suicide that day.

Thank god I never did follow thru with said suicide and instead drove myself to the hospital and asked for help.

I quit that job, never went back, and never really heard from any of my work friends, I still have some of them on my facebook, so they all know what happened and why I never went back. Did I hear from any of them, a kind word? Nope.

The other thing that got me thinking about Merbear’s post was that I never really have had one really close friend. I’ve always had “work friends”

Recently I have come to the realization that the one “best friend” that I did think I have really isn’t the friend I thought she was or maybe I should rephrase that– not the friend I wanted her to be. It has come to my attention that I really only hear from her when she needs someone to vent too,,, whether it’s about her ex, her kids or her bf,, I only really hear from her when she only wants someone to listen to her woes.

Whenever, I took initiative and would ask to meet up for coffee or lunch,,,she always had “no money”,, so like a sucker I would pay, only to see her post on facebook the next day about how she had gone out for wings,,,or the movies the night before.

When it comes to the good that is happening in her life I never hear from her,,,I only learn about good stuff on facebook, you’d think you’d want to call and tell your “best friend”,,,when you get a promotion at work, or you buy a new house right?

I’ve stopped texting and answering this person’s texts,,,,because I also realized when I was sick and in the hospital she never came to visit me, she never asked how my treatment was going, when I was jobless or even almost homeless,,,she never offered help or a kind word.

That’s not what friends are.

I have some school friends,,some nice ladies, that I have a good time with,,I won’t be holding my breath to hear much from them once we are done this course and back out in the “real world”.

I don’t need “real live friends”,,,cause I have met some really good friends here out in the world wide web and thru blogging,,so to the friends that I have met thru this blog and wordpress.

Thanks for being my friend!

thanks

Freaking fantastic day :)

I must be over my pms stint,,,cause I’m feeling absolutely great today,,fully rested, got a whole 8 hours sleep,,,,it’s a fucking fantastic day!

I’m gonna be miss super sweet nice chick today, probably with a pinch of sweet sarcasm too (purely for my own amusement).

I told bf on monday that I have decided to move out at the end of October. He was a bit sad but not surprised. And, I am feeling great about this decision too. I’m looking forward too having my own pad again, my own space with all the stuff I like where I want it!

This decision does come with lots of anxiety too,,,where to move, what can I afford, will I be able to find a job before I run out of what money I will have,,,,,sigh,,,,it’s gonna work,,,, I’ll be ok,,,,right????

Don’t know why,,but I’ve been humming this song alot lately 😉

I must be pms’ing today.

Because I want to punch everyone in my class in the face except for very few.

Just saying.

We are learning the cardiovascular system in this modular.

There is this one chick,,that apparently is “the know it all of the heart”.

The teacher can’t ask a question and a student can’t ask a question without miss “know it all” chirping out the answer, and all her fucking wonderful knowledge.

It’s taking everything in me to not yell at her to shut the FUCK up.

Maybe it’s just bothering me so much because even though I know the workings, parts, and all the ailments of the heart because of my Dental studies,,,,,I am able to keep my fucking mouth shut,,,so that the other’s in class that are new to the medical field can actually learn from the teacher and her lesson.

K,,vent done.

Oh, and the chick that sit’s beside me won’t stop flipping sniffling,,,would it be rude if I pass her a kleenex box?

What’s pissing you off today?

it’s 9:50 p.m.

and bf’s daughter still hasn’t shown for dinner,,,,,

hmmmm,,,I don’t know why.

maybe cause she’s used to no presents,,,although the “son” has been showered with presents today.

I haven’t see any evidence of one for her.

At this moment I don’t really care,,I just want to watch some t.v and go to bed. I made her  a plate from our big celebratory, celebration of the birth of bf’s male child earlier.

I secretly hope she doesn’t come because it will piss him off, lol

I don’t care if this is mean. heheheheh. 🙂

P.S. I just got notified that the princess is going to be here shortly. Oh joy,,,,I will be going to bed as soon as I can.

 

Here’s the straw that broke the camel’s back…

So,,we come home together last evening from school and work.

We literally walk in the door,,,,and his head shoots up like a friggen prairie dog and he runs to the washroom, and all I hear is Awwwww honey, the toilet’s been running all day. (It wasn’t running all day for the record,, more like 4hrs.)

I guess on my rush out the door to meet my ride into school at noon, I had used the facilities and didn’t notice that the toilet didn’t stop running,,,,we have to wiggle the handle sometimes.

I was like oh man i’m sorry.

He then starts going over his spiel about living in the country and the well and how we don’t want it to run dry,,,blah, blah, blah. I asked him if he really thought I deliberately did this? His response was that I wasn’t being responsible and that he NEVER not lets this happen.

That’s when I rose my voice,,and said Not true mister,,I have gone in behind you and others and noticed it running and simply jiggled the handle and didn’t say anything because I didn’t feel the need to go into a whole speech about it,,,everyone makes mistakes.

First he denied that, he has ever let it run (well asshole it was when in the middle of the night and you had been drinking and fell back into bed).

Then he told me if I was going to raise my voice to go outside (like some little kid)

I told him no I wasn’t going outside,,,,and to stop talking to me like i’m a little kid,,,I then reminded him that I’m 43 yrs old and won’t be talked like that.

He then pulled the “if you don’t like it then you can move out card”.

That’s when I heard the snap.

camel

 

I spoke to my older daughter C today she’s 19, lives with her dad, and hasn’t been able to find a job in the small town she lives in. She’s wanted to move to the city (population about 150,000), and with me when I was going to school last year but I was just renting a room. I asked her if she wants to move with me in Oct early Nov,,,she can’t wait 🙂

I also decided that I am going to start a list this weekend of every hurtful and mean thing he says or does to me this weekend, So, I don’t start second guessing myself.

The decision is made. I will be moving out by Oct.

I don’t have alot of time to post but let’s just say that the “final straw has broken the camel’s back”.

Basically, we had another argument. One that for most couples shouldn’t have been much and a apology would of fixed it all. Instead, I was treated like a child  and made to feel worthless and about 1cm tall. It also included him telling me to leave the house if I was going to raise my voice at him. And when I told him how he was making me feel he once again thru out the “then get out,,,leave, move out” statement.

This is the 4th time he has said it within a month.

He denied that he said it the last 3 times,,,,,I begrudgingly gave him the benefit of the doubt,,because he had been drinking.

Not this time,,,we had just got home from school and work. He had not been drinking. He said it,,and he knows it.

I told him I will be out in October,,,he didn’t respond,,,,he’s acting now like nothing is wrong.

He never apologized.

Don’t worry,,he’s not a physical abuser,,,just a mental one.

I am strong,,and I won’t be taking it much longer. I just need the money and a job.

I will post the details of what happened,,,when I can over the weekend.

I now have a mission. And,,,,I shall not fail.

 

I will be so glad when August is done.

Yaaayyyy,,,it’s friday,,we made it 🙂

Thank friggen god that today is my last day of typing class. I can NOT wait to go back to my regular scheduled schooling, next modular is the Cardiovascular system,should be easy enough when I took my Dental Assisting course we did lots on that system.

Ok, back on topic.

I will be glad when this month is done, mostly because I am done with birthdays. Apparently August in bf’s family is Birthday month, first was his bday, then his daughter’s she shall be called “T” she turned 17, then grand baby “boy” he turned 4, then his blessed son “J” turned 15.  This weekend bf wants to have a “combined” bday dinner for both of his kids, no problem, except his daughter doesn’t really want to be here, she would rather be out with her friends. I don’t really blame her as I’ve come to see and he has even verbalized to me, that his son is his “favourite” of all his kids and, he shows it by showering him in musical gifts almost every other week.

bdaycake

Just in these past 3 weeks he has bought this kid, 2 drums for his drum kit, along with a cymbal, cowbell & stand, a electric guitar (it was from a pawn shop but, still it counts) and I am just waiting to see what he comes home with for this boy today or tomorrow,,,,I will keep you all updated. (oh, and he’s picking up a $50.00 gift card for “T” for the local mall as her present, nice eh?)

When, it comes to his kids and his favouritsm,I keep my mouth shut. 

  1.  Because they are not my kids,,his ex can talk to him about it, if she feels it’s a problem.
  2. These kids are older, and can express their feelings to him.
  3. They are basically good kids, are respectful and nice to me, so why rock the boat. If they want to talk to me about it,,I will be here.
  4. Because he is stubborn and will have to learn the hard way, his oldest daughter “A” 25, never comes around. And, I don’t expect her too anytime soon, since, he bailed on going to his own grandson’s bday party. He didn’t even send a card.

Enough of that,

I will also be glad that this month is done because, this summer has basically not been so great. It has been cold and rainy most of the time, which made the mosquito’s come out real bad,,and I’m allergic to their bites, my legs have been a mess which mean I have worn pants a majority of the time.

I left this one tho,,,thanks little squirrel or birdie for dropping a seed in my garden!

I left this one tho,,,thanks little squirrel or birdie for dropping a seed in my garden!

The cool rainy weather was good tho for my flower beds,,,they took off and were beautiful. However, yesterday I had to pull the last of the annuals out because they got frost bitten, in fact with the cool nights and warm days, some of the leaves on the tree’s around here are changing to a nice bright red and gold.

I’m ready for the fall and winter and the holidays that come with them. I love the smells, foods and decorating the house for these times.

Call me crazy, but I’m done with summer. How about you?

 

Ok I need help please….

With my stupid gravator thingy,,,,,it’s pissing me the hell off.

It NEVER comes up on my dashboard, on my blog page, or in my comments. Well It did once today,,and on a comment over on Stuphblog,,,wth?

How do I get this to work??? I have been playing with it for 2 damn days.

Answers anyone????

My story:

One of the reasons I  started this blog was too tell my story, I will do it in parts, cause it’s long.

I pretty much grew up in my early years like a normal happy child. I don’t really remember any bad times, in fact I remember lots of happy memories.

I have a younger brother by 2 years and we had normal sibling quabbles and good times.

We were pretty lucky kids, we spent every summer at the family cottage. From the weekend that school ended at the end of June until Labour Day weekend we were at the cottage. Dad would come up on the weekends and often bring a friend or two of ours to spend the following week with us.

cottagefun

There was loving grandparent’s (on my father’s side only,,I never knew any of my mother’s side, strange I know), lots of uncle’s, aunt’s, godparent’s and cousin’s.

Summers were spent in the lake, hiking, fishing, campfires, with sweet’s of marshmallows, penny candy from the tuck shop, berries, and hot dogs and burgers.

 

The summer’s always ended with a trip the the CNE (Canadian National Exhibition) and back to school shopping.

Life was good back then.

My brother likes to say that we were poor. But, I don’t agree with him. My father always had a job and we were never homeless, we never went to bed hungry, we lived in a nice suburb in a nice townhouse and we had a nice cat and dog.

happy home

My mom was a stay at home mom. We would come home for our lunches during our junior school years. We always had home made meals, homemade cookies, cakes and snacks. I never had store bought snacks or packed lunches until highschool.

That was when my mom went to work.

That’s when I start to have memory’s of things making a turn for the bad.

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