I have recently been reading Merbear’s blog,,because we share a few things in common,,we both have a quirky sense of wacky humour (she makes me laugh alot),,,and we both battle with depression.
Today I read this post and a light bulb came on in my head:
This EXACT thing happened to me at my last full time job,,,when I had my mental breakdown. I used to have lots of “friends”, I was always happy, bubbly and willing to help others. When it came to work I would always go above and beyond and pitch a hand. I was always asked to go out for drinks and dinner when the gang went out.
When the depression started to rear it’s ugly head,,,I didn’t know what was happening, slowly I withdrew, I didn’t laugh as much or seem interested in others. I started calling in sick one or two times a week,,,and when I managed to get my ass to work,,,often in the parking lot I would simply turn around and go home and go back to bed. I had extreme feelings of being worthless and paranoia.
Did one. single. person ask me what was wrong? Or if I was ok? NOPE.
I had a work evaluation with my head manager one day during this time,,,I aced it still, because I was still keeping the shelves stocked, paperwork done and was making the “big box retailer” money. I got my raise and that was that.
As I was walking out the office door,,,,the manager made a comment to me of “Hopefully, now that you know we value you,,you will be your old cheerful self again”. I made my plan for suicide that day.
Thank god I never did follow thru with said suicide and instead drove myself to the hospital and asked for help.
I quit that job, never went back, and never really heard from any of my work friends, I still have some of them on my facebook, so they all know what happened and why I never went back. Did I hear from any of them, a kind word? Nope.
The other thing that got me thinking about Merbear’s post was that I never really have had one really close friend. I’ve always had “work friends”
Recently I have come to the realization that the one “best friend” that I did think I have really isn’t the friend I thought she was or maybe I should rephrase that– not the friend I wanted her to be. It has come to my attention that I really only hear from her when she needs someone to vent too,,, whether it’s about her ex, her kids or her bf,, I only really hear from her when she only wants someone to listen to her woes.
Whenever, I took initiative and would ask to meet up for coffee or lunch,,,she always had “no money”,, so like a sucker I would pay, only to see her post on facebook the next day about how she had gone out for wings,,,or the movies the night before.
When it comes to the good that is happening in her life I never hear from her,,,I only learn about good stuff on facebook, you’d think you’d want to call and tell your “best friend”,,,when you get a promotion at work, or you buy a new house right?
I’ve stopped texting and answering this person’s texts,,,,because I also realized when I was sick and in the hospital she never came to visit me, she never asked how my treatment was going, when I was jobless or even almost homeless,,,she never offered help or a kind word.
That’s not what friends are.
I have some school friends,,some nice ladies, that I have a good time with,,I won’t be holding my breath to hear much from them once we are done this course and back out in the “real world”.
I don’t need “real live friends”,,,cause I have met some really good friends here out in the world wide web and thru blogging,,so to the friends that I have met thru this blog and wordpress.
Thanks for being my friend!